Through the depths of space races a tiny space pod.  Such things are normal occurrences in this universe we live in;  indeed from the outside this event seems to carry no significance.  But this was no ordinary space pod.  This was a space pod of doom.  A tiny space pod of doom, which is carrying a messenger to a small isolated planet in the remote corners of space.  A messenger of doom.  Contained within the space pod is an alien creature of immeasurable power.  And though alien creatures of immeasurable power are also quite common, this one was destined to shape the destiny the universe.  A destiny of... doom.  Wait, no.  Shit, let me start over.  We're live?  Shit!

Raditz: (trying desperately to comb his impossibly long hair in the three inches of moving space provided in the tiny spacecraft)  Damn it!  (whining) It's too small!  Why do I have to have such a stupid small space ship!  This is just ridiculous!  It doesn't even have a toilet!  (panicking)  I can't move!  I can't breathe!  AAH!  THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN!  (breathing heavily for a few moments, before finally calming down)  Okay.  It's... okay.  Soon I'll be out of this stupid thing.  (he pauses for a moment to let his pulse return to normal)  Stupid brother.  I'm totally destroying a planet after this.

The spacecraft is approaching its destination, a small blue and green planet.  Earth.

Within a government facility on the planet Earth, a man looks into a radar screen.

Radar Guy: Colonel!  Look at this!  There seems to be some sort of small metallic object flying towards the Earth at incredible speeds!

Colonel: (walks over)  Hmmm... so it is.

Radar Guy:  Our instruments show that this object has a 99.2% chance of being an evil alien being of doom which has come to retrieve its long lost brother and kill us all!

Colonel:  Yeah.

Radar Guy:  What course of action should we take?

Colonel: (shrugs)

Radar Guy:  Well, we could destroy the pod with a nuclear weapon before it even enters the atmosphere, where even if the alien survived the blast it would be floating in space where presumably it would be unable to live.

Colonel: (pauses, appears to be thinking)

Radar Guy:  Colonel?  Should I go ahead and order that done?

Colonel:  How about if we let it land, and then hope its killed by a small elite team of incredibly powerful fighters who, unbeknownst to us, live on this very planet and have actually saved it from certain destruction in the past.

Radar Guy: (blinks)  Uhhh... is that such a reliable plan?

The space pod enters the Earth's atmosphere, and crashes to the planet, leaving a large perfectly circular hole in the ground and failing to harm even slightly anything outside of that radius, not even singing the grass.

Raditz:  (kicks the door open and scrambles out into the air)  Phew... my GOD!  I can move!  (proceeds to stretch and jump around for about 20 minutes)  Now I should get to finding my long lost brother and destroying this planet.

As Raditz looked around himself, he found he was actually in a park in a small city instead of in a large field on some expendable farmer's land as he was expected to be.

Raditz:  (presses a button on his scouter, causing a bunch of random symbols and little circles and lines to appear, which he pretends to understand)  Uhh, its saying it can't find any large power levels on this world.  Hmm.  (He takes a large space map out of seemingly nowhere)  This is Earth, right?  Kakarot is supposed to be here.  And its supposed to be destroyed and stuff too.

Girly, annoying voice: Stop right there!

Raditz: (looks up from the map to see a bunch of little girls wearing short skirts, twisting their bodies sickeningly into different poses)  What the hell?

Sailor Moon: Okay, Nega-Bitch!  It's the end of the line for you!  I'm Sailor Moon, and I fight for love and justice and other good things!  And that means you!

Sailor Mars:  You messed up again dumbass!

Sailor Moon: Huh?

Sailor Mars:  You said "I fight for love and justice, and that means you!"  You said he was love and justice!  You're supposed to say he's bad stuff!

Sailor Moon:  I... meant to do that.  Anyway, he gets the idea.

Sailor Mars:  Idiot!

Raditz: (raises one eyebrow)

Sailor Mercury:  Stop it girls!  You shouldn't fight!  We have to have teamwork and friendship and love!

Sailor Mars:  But this moron doesn't even know how to do her own damn speech!  Why do we do it at all anyway?  It doesn't impress anyone and we look like idiots!

Sailor Moon: (curls up into a fetal position crying)  Why... (sob) is everyone always mad at me! (sob)

Sailor Mars: Because you're a stupid moron and we wish you were dead!

Sailor Venus:  Hey, quit it!  The important thing isn't how we do our totally unnecessary speech, or how stupid Sailor Moon is, or even the fact that Sailor Jupiter is even now undressing that alien with her eyes.

Sailor Jupiter:  Hey!

Sailor Venus:  The important thing is that we all have love and peace and love!  That's what makes us Sailor Scouts!

Sailor Scouts:  You're right!

Raditz:  This is completely nuts.

Luna: (who has inexplicably appeared from nowhere)  Go Sailor Scouts!  Defeat this evil alien creature!

Sailor Scouts: Yeah!

Raditz: (shaking his head in disbelief) I guess I really should put these people out of their misery.

Sailor Moon:  Not this time, Nega-Shithead!  Moon... Scepter... ACTIVATION!  She does an intricate dance involving a large magic scepter which she just pulled out of god knows where, and lots of sparkly magical love-magic flies towards Raditz)

Raditz:  You fool!  You activated me!  Now you'll die!  (suddenly a rose flies down and lands at his feet)

Tuxedo Mask:  Pants are the fabric which holds our society together, and you aren't wearing any!  How dare you seduce Sailor Jupiter like that!  For that you must be defeated!  Now, go Sailor Scouts!  Defeat this guy while I sit here without helping in any way!

Raditz: (fires an energy blast, instantly disintegrating Sailor Moon)

Sailor Mercury: Oh no!  Now who will finish him off with the Moon Scepter!

Sailor Mars:  I'll do it!

Sailor Venus:  We don't have animations for that!

Raditz: (fires another blast, killing them all and destroying most of the city)  That was disturbing.  (looks at the map again)  Oh!  I see!  There are two planets called Earth.  This is the wrong one.  (He gets back into the ridiculously small space ship and takes off.  He leaves the Atmosphere and can see the wrong Earth below him.)  I guess its my duty to destroy that god forsaken place.  (he points his hand at the planet, and it blows up in a spectacular explosion)  Well, that's that.  I can't believe I have to ride in this stupid thing all the way to the other Earth.  (sighs)

And so the evil messenger of doom continues on his journey of doom to the correct planet Earth.  Meanwhile, on that planet, one particular man continues his everyday life, completely unaware of the doom which is even now speeding towards him.

Gokou: (in the woods, he punches down an ancient tree, contributing to the depletion of our natural resources)  Heh heh heh.  I guess this is enough firewood.  For now.  (barely able to contain his laughter)  I'm so witty!  Because this is a whole lot of wood, and I'm acting like its not very much, as if it wouldn't even be enough!  Ha ha ha!  That was a good one.  (he walks back to his small cottage in the woods, carrying the large former home for birds and squirrels and giggling)  Hee hee hee.  Captain Planet would be soo pissed off.  Good thing I was able to kill him those years ago.  (Upon reaching his home, he sees Chi-Chi waiting for him)

Chi-Chi:  (glare)

Gokou:  Chi-Chi!  You have to hear this!  Is this... enough firewood do you think? (breaks out into uncontrollable laughter)

Chi-Chi:  (stares at Gokou with eyes of death)  You've been fighting.

Gokou: (suddenly dead serious)  Wha... what?  N-no.  I just punched down this tree.

Chi-Chi:  Punching is fighting.

Gokou:  Huh?  But... it was just a tree!  I... I never fight!  Just like you say!  I wasn't fighting!  It was just a tree!

Chi-Chi:  It was close enough.  (clenches her fists, and narrows her eyes)

Gokou:  N-no!  Chi-Chi!  I wasn't fighting!  Please!  No!  It didn't fight back!  I... oh God no!  It will never happen again, I promise!  I swear!  CHI-CHI!  NO!  OH GOD!  NOOOOO...!

Once again the spacecraft (of doom) has reached the Earth.  Burning through the atmosphere, it crashes down into a large field, leaving another perfectly circular blast of damage.

Raditz: (once again breaks out of the ship as quickly as possible)  Damn it, I don't care if this is the wrong one again!  This is the last Earth I'm going to, and if Kakarot isn't here, screw him!  (turns on his scouter again, this time getting a completely different set of symbols and lines, which he also assumes mean something)  Uhh, yeah.   There's a large power over... there! (points in a random direction)  I'm coming Kakarot!  (flies off)

A green skinned alien-looking creature is sitting around in the middle of nowhere, watching a TV.

Man on TV:  But you're stealing my manhood!

Woman on TV:  That would be petty theft.

Audience on TV:  Ooohhhhh...

Second Man on TV:  Don't go there!

Audience on TV: (laughs)

Piccolo: (looks up from TV)  Oh no, I sense an incredibly powerful being heading this way!  It can't be Gokou, Chi-Chi would never let him out.

Raditz: (lands in front of Piccolo)  Hello mister green guy.  Do you know where Kakarot is?

Piccolo:  What the hell is with the hair?  And why are you not wearing any pants!

Raditz:  (meekly) they were all dirty.

Piccolo:  Weirdo.  I was trying to watch my sitcom, so if you don't mind...

Raditz:  Grrr... I have to find Kakarot you jerk!  Now I'm gonna kill you!

Piccolo:  (casually blasts the alien with an energy attack capable of destroying continents)

Raditz:  (the dust clears from around him, and he appears unharmed)  Nice try, but I'm afraid you are only a billionth of my power level and you'd never be able to hurt me at all, unless you teamed up with someone of about equal strength to you, in which case you would be able to win.

Piccolo:  Grrrrr...

Raditz:  (notices more random symbols in his scouter)  Even though I could easily kill you in about a half a second, I just noticed another power level, and I have attention deficit disorder, so I'll let you live and completely ignore you, and go after that thing instead.  Bye!  (flies off)

Piccolo:  He seemed nice.

Woman on TV:  Eww, too much information!  Thanks for the mental picture!

Audience on TV: (laughs)

Piccolo:  Ha ha ha.  (concentrates on the TV once again)

Gokou and Gohan are flying together on an oddly colored cloud.

Gohan:  Hey daddy, why are we just now meeting all your best friends who you've known all your life?  Why have you never seen them or contacted them in any way since the time I was born?

Gokou:  Chi-Chi... she thinks they're bad.

Gohan:  But why?

Gokou:  No!  That's a bad question!  Don't question your mother!  EVER!

Gohan:  O-okay.

Gokou:  Listen, the only reason we're going now is because she's asleep.  You know she won't let us leave the house.  We have to get back before she wakes up.  And Gohan, you can't tell her about this.  Ever!  No matter what!  I... I don't know what she would do to me!

Gohan: (nods gravely)

The two descend upon a small island.  There they are greeted by an old man, a woman with blue hair, a turtle, and a bald midget.

Bulma:  Oh my God!  Gokou!  You're... alive!

Master Roshi:  I thought you were dead.

Gokou:  Chi-Chi started that rumor.  Don't worry, I'm still alive.  As long as I get back home in the next few hours.  If I disobey her she does... horrible things to me.  (shudders)  Hey Krillen, you've grown!

Krillen:  Yeah, but don't worry.  I'll shrink again after a few episodes.

Turtle:  Hey, who is that?  (motioning to Gohan)

Gokou:  That's my new son Gohan.  Don't even think of eating him like you did that other one.

Gohan:  Huh?

Gokou:  No, its too early for you to know about your brother Goyam.

Turtle:  But... I crave the taste of a child's blood.  Those rats they've been feeding me can't hold me for long.

Gokou:  If you eat him, I swear I'll tell Chi-Chi!  No phony stories about giant birds this time!

Turtle:  (gasp)  Chi-Chi?  You wouldn't!  Okay, okay!  I won't eat him.  (looks over at Gohan)  I'll just have to make it look like an accident.

Gohan: (hides behind Bulma's leg)

Bulma:  Well, glad to know you're alive and stuff.  But uh, Gokou... has Gohan ever looked at the moon when it was full?

Master Roshi:  Yeah... has he ever seen the full moon at night?

Gokou:  Full moon?  This is the first time he's seen the sky!

Krillin: (looks up at the sky)  Oh no!  I sense a horrible power coming!

Master Roshi:  AAAH!!  CHI-CHI!!

Krillin: No, its different.

Raditz:  (lands on the island in front of them all, his ridiculously long hair blowing in the wind ominously)  Hi, my name is Raditz.  I'm Gokou's brother but his real name is Kakarot and he's a Saiyan from another world who was sent here as a baby to kill everyone on Earth, but he didn't so I had to come here and do it myself and go get him to help us fight, since me and him and two other guys are the last Saiyans left, except for a few more but they only appear in the movies, so you all die now.

Krillen:  Huh?  Who is that?

Bulma:  He just explained you idiot!

Turtle:  Stupid midget!

Gokou:  But I can't fight for you!  Chi-Chi won't let me!

Raditz:  Chi-Chi?  Is that the name of your stupid code of honor or something?  I don't care!

Krillen:  I'll fight for you!

Raditz:  NO!  No midgets allowed!  (hits Krillen with his tail)

Krillen:  (flies backwards and slams into the house)

Raditz:  If you won't fight for me voluntarily, I'll just have to kidnap your kid and force you to.  (calmly walks over and picks up Gohan)

Gohan:  (crying tearlessly, as his tears have been deemed inappropriate for broadcast by the network censors.)

Turtle: (muttering under his breath) That kid was gonna be mine.

Raditz:  Now go and destroy everything on Earth or you'll never see your kid again!  Wah ha ha!  (flies off with Gohan)

Gokou:  Oh no!  Chi-Chi will never let me fight Raditz!  What am I gonna do?!  (starts crying)

Piccolo:  (suddenly, he enters the scene, landing on the island with all of them)

Bulma:  Oh no, its Piccolo!  He tried to sexually molest me once!

Master Roshi:  No, that was me.

Bulma:  Oh yeah.  (hits Master Roshi)

Piccolo:  I heard the whole thing with the super hearing powers I seem to have.  The only solution is to have a rebellion against Chi-Chi.  Many of us will surely die horrible deaths, but with a little luck we might be able to win.

Gokou:  No, you don't know how powerful she is!

Master Roshi:  Piccolo's right.  If we team up we might be able to beat her.

Krillen:  Yeah!

Gokou:  I guess we don't have a choice.

Piccolo:  But come on.  First we have to face the more immediate problem of defeating Raditz.

Gokou:  Yeah!  Okay, the two of us will go off to defeat Raditz together while you guys formulate a plan for the upcoming battle against Chi-Chi.

Krillen, Bulma, Master Roshi, and Turtle:  Okay!

Piccolo:  Okay, but don't forget that I'm actually evil and as soon as this is all over I'm going to kill you all.  That is if I don't form a lasting bond with Gohan which melts my icy heart and causes the good that was inside of me to shine through.  And if Gokou doesn't become ridiculously more powerful than me and everyone else during the course of our journeys.

Piccolo and Gokou: (fly off towards the horizon)

Gokou:  Ha ha!  I can fly faster than you!

Piccolo:  Bitch.

On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z rewrite, Gokou and Piccolo have a confrontation with the evil Raditz, while Krillen and the others try desperately to think up a way to defeat Chi-Chi, but realize that they're too stupid.  Also, the word "bitch" is used a lot.  Will Gokou and Piccolo defeat Raditz and save the planet Earth?  Find out on the next exiting episode of Dragon Ball Z rewrite, "Raditz is defeated."