Episode One
"Gokou is actually a space pirate who was
sent here as a baby to clear the life from the Earth?"
Through the depths of space races a tiny space
pod. Such things are normal occurrences in this universe we live
in; indeed from the outside this event seems to carry no significance.
But this was no ordinary space pod. This was a space pod of doom.
A tiny space pod of doom, which is carrying a messenger to a small isolated
planet in the remote corners of space. A messenger of doom.
Contained within the space pod is an alien creature of immeasurable power.
And though alien creatures of immeasurable power are also quite common,
this one was destined to shape the destiny the universe. A destiny
of... doom. Wait, no. Shit, let me start over. We're
live? Shit!
Raditz: (trying desperately to comb his impossibly
long hair in the three inches of moving space provided in the tiny spacecraft)
Damn it! (whining) It's too small! Why do I have to have such
a stupid small space ship! This is just ridiculous! It doesn't
even have a toilet! (panicking) I can't move! I can't
breathe! AAH! THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN! (breathing heavily
for a few moments, before finally calming down) Okay. It's...
okay. Soon I'll be out of this stupid thing. (he pauses for
a moment to let his pulse return to normal) Stupid brother.
I'm totally destroying a planet after this.
The spacecraft is approaching its destination,
a small blue and green planet. Earth.
Within a government facility on the planet
Earth, a man looks into a radar screen.
Radar Guy: Colonel! Look at this!
There seems to be some sort of small metallic object flying towards the
Earth at incredible speeds!
Colonel: (walks over) Hmmm... so it is.
Radar Guy: Our instruments show that this
object has a 99.2% chance of being an evil alien being of doom which has
come to retrieve its long lost brother and kill us all!
Colonel: Yeah.
Radar Guy: What course of action should
we take?
Colonel: (shrugs)
Radar Guy: Well, we could destroy the pod
with a nuclear weapon before it even enters the atmosphere, where even
if the alien survived the blast it would be floating in space where presumably
it would be unable to live.
Colonel: (pauses, appears to be thinking)
Radar Guy: Colonel? Should I go ahead
and order that done?
Colonel: How about if we let it land, and
then hope its killed by a small elite team of incredibly powerful fighters
who, unbeknownst to us, live on this very planet and have actually saved
it from certain destruction in the past.
Radar Guy: (blinks) Uhhh... is that such
a reliable plan?
The space pod enters the Earth's atmosphere,
and crashes to the planet, leaving a large perfectly circular hole in the
ground and failing to harm even slightly anything outside of that radius,
not even singing the grass.
Raditz: (kicks the door open and scrambles
out into the air) Phew... my GOD! I can move! (proceeds
to stretch and jump around for about 20 minutes) Now I should get
to finding my long lost brother and destroying this planet.
As Raditz looked around himself, he found he
was actually in a park in a small city instead of in a large field on some
expendable farmer's land as he was expected to be.
Raditz: (presses a button on his scouter,
causing a bunch of random symbols and little circles and lines to appear,
which he pretends to understand) Uhh, its saying it can't find any
large power levels on this world. Hmm. (He takes a large space
map out of seemingly nowhere) This is Earth, right? Kakarot
is supposed to be here. And its supposed to be destroyed and stuff
too.
Girly, annoying voice: Stop right there!
Raditz: (looks up from the map to see a bunch
of little girls wearing short skirts, twisting their bodies sickeningly
into different poses) What the hell?
Sailor Moon: Okay, Nega-Bitch! It's the
end of the line for you! I'm Sailor Moon, and I fight for love and
justice and other good things! And that means you!
Sailor Mars: You messed up again dumbass!
Sailor Moon: Huh?
Sailor Mars: You said "I fight for love
and justice, and that means you!" You said he was love and justice!
You're supposed to say he's bad stuff!
Sailor Moon: I... meant to do that.
Anyway, he gets the idea.
Sailor Mars: Idiot!
Raditz: (raises one eyebrow)
Sailor Mercury: Stop it girls! You
shouldn't fight! We have to have teamwork and friendship and love!
Sailor Mars: But this moron doesn't even
know how to do her own damn speech! Why do we do it at all anyway?
It doesn't impress anyone and we look like idiots!
Sailor Moon: (curls up into a fetal position crying)
Why... (sob) is everyone always mad at me! (sob)
Sailor Mars: Because you're a stupid moron and
we wish you were dead!
Sailor Venus: Hey, quit it! The important
thing isn't how we do our totally unnecessary speech, or how stupid Sailor
Moon is, or even the fact that Sailor Jupiter is even now undressing that
alien with her eyes.
Sailor Jupiter: Hey!
Sailor Venus: The important thing is that
we all have love and peace and love! That's what makes us Sailor
Scouts!
Sailor Scouts: You're right!
Raditz: This is completely nuts.
Luna: (who has inexplicably appeared from nowhere)
Go Sailor Scouts! Defeat this evil alien creature!
Sailor Scouts: Yeah!
Raditz: (shaking his head in disbelief) I guess
I really should put these people out of their misery.
Sailor Moon: Not this time, Nega-Shithead!
Moon... Scepter... ACTIVATION! She does an intricate dance involving
a large magic scepter which she just pulled out of god knows where, and
lots of sparkly magical love-magic flies towards Raditz)
Raditz: You fool! You activated me!
Now you'll die! (suddenly a rose flies down and lands at his feet)
Tuxedo Mask: Pants are the fabric which
holds our society together, and you aren't wearing any! How dare
you seduce Sailor Jupiter like that! For that you must be defeated!
Now, go Sailor Scouts! Defeat this guy while I sit here without helping
in any way!
Raditz: (fires an energy blast, instantly disintegrating
Sailor Moon)
Sailor Mercury: Oh no! Now who will finish
him off with the Moon Scepter!
Sailor Mars: I'll do it!
Sailor Venus: We don't have animations for
that!
Raditz: (fires another blast, killing them all
and destroying most of the city) That was disturbing. (looks
at the map again) Oh! I see! There are two planets called
Earth. This is the wrong one. (He gets back into the ridiculously
small space ship and takes off. He leaves the Atmosphere and can
see the wrong Earth below him.) I guess its my duty to destroy that
god forsaken place. (he points his hand at the planet, and it blows
up in a spectacular explosion) Well, that's that. I can't believe
I have to ride in this stupid thing all the way to the other Earth.
(sighs)
And so the evil messenger of doom continues
on his journey of doom to the correct planet Earth. Meanwhile, on
that planet, one particular man continues his everyday life, completely
unaware of the doom which is even now speeding towards him.
Gokou: (in the woods, he punches down an ancient
tree, contributing to the depletion of our natural resources) Heh
heh heh. I guess this is enough firewood. For now. (barely
able to contain his laughter) I'm so witty! Because this is
a whole lot of wood, and I'm acting like its not very much, as if it wouldn't
even be enough! Ha ha ha! That was a good one. (he walks
back to his small cottage in the woods, carrying the large former home
for birds and squirrels and giggling) Hee hee hee. Captain
Planet would be soo pissed off. Good thing I was able to kill him
those years ago. (Upon reaching his home, he sees Chi-Chi waiting
for him)
Chi-Chi: (glare)
Gokou: Chi-Chi! You have to hear this!
Is this... enough firewood do you think? (breaks out into uncontrollable
laughter)
Chi-Chi: (stares at Gokou with eyes of death)
You've been fighting.
Gokou: (suddenly dead serious) Wha... what?
N-no. I just punched down this tree.
Chi-Chi: Punching is fighting.
Gokou: Huh? But... it was just a tree!
I... I never fight! Just like you say! I wasn't fighting!
It was just a tree!
Chi-Chi: It was close enough. (clenches
her fists, and narrows her eyes)
Gokou: N-no! Chi-Chi! I wasn't
fighting! Please! No! It didn't fight back! I...
oh God no! It will never happen again, I promise! I swear!
CHI-CHI! NO! OH GOD! NOOOOO...!
Once again the spacecraft (of doom) has reached
the Earth. Burning through the atmosphere, it crashes down into a
large field, leaving another perfectly circular blast of damage.
Raditz: (once again breaks out of the ship as
quickly as possible) Damn it, I don't care if this is the wrong one
again! This is the last Earth I'm going to, and if Kakarot isn't
here, screw him! (turns on his scouter again, this time getting a
completely different set of symbols and lines, which he also assumes mean
something) Uhh, yeah. There's a large power over... there!
(points in a random direction) I'm coming Kakarot! (flies off)
A green skinned alien-looking creature is sitting
around in the middle of nowhere, watching a TV.
Man on TV: But you're stealing my manhood!
Woman on TV: That would be petty theft.
Audience on TV: Ooohhhhh...
Second Man on TV: Don't go there!
Audience on TV: (laughs)
Piccolo: (looks up from TV) Oh no, I sense
an incredibly powerful being heading this way! It can't be Gokou,
Chi-Chi would never let him out.
Raditz: (lands in front of Piccolo) Hello
mister green guy. Do you know where Kakarot is?
Piccolo: What the hell is with the hair?
And why are you not wearing any pants!
Raditz: (meekly) they were all dirty.
Piccolo: Weirdo. I was trying to watch
my sitcom, so if you don't mind...
Raditz: Grrr... I have to find Kakarot you
jerk! Now I'm gonna kill you!
Piccolo: (casually blasts the alien with
an energy attack capable of destroying continents)
Raditz: (the dust clears from around him,
and he appears unharmed) Nice try, but I'm afraid you are only a
billionth of my power level and you'd never be able to hurt me at all,
unless you teamed up with someone of about equal strength to you, in which
case you would be able to win.
Piccolo: Grrrrr...
Raditz: (notices more random symbols in
his scouter) Even though I could easily kill you in about a half
a second, I just noticed another power level, and I have attention deficit
disorder, so I'll let you live and completely ignore you, and go after
that thing instead. Bye! (flies off)
Piccolo: He seemed nice.
Woman on TV: Eww, too much information!
Thanks for the mental picture!
Audience on TV: (laughs)
Piccolo: Ha ha ha. (concentrates on
the TV once again)
Gokou and Gohan are flying together on an oddly
colored cloud.
Gohan: Hey daddy, why are we just now meeting
all your best friends who you've known all your life? Why have you
never seen them or contacted them in any way since the time I was born?
Gokou: Chi-Chi... she thinks they're bad.
Gohan: But why?
Gokou: No! That's a bad question!
Don't question your mother! EVER!
Gohan: O-okay.
Gokou: Listen, the only reason we're going
now is because she's asleep. You know she won't let us leave the
house. We have to get back before she wakes up. And Gohan,
you can't tell her about this. Ever! No matter what!
I... I don't know what she would do to me!
Gohan: (nods gravely)
The two descend upon a small island.
There they are greeted by an old man, a woman with blue hair, a turtle,
and a bald midget.
Bulma: Oh my God! Gokou! You're...
alive!
Master Roshi: I thought you were dead.
Gokou: Chi-Chi started that rumor.
Don't worry, I'm still alive. As long as I get back home in the next
few hours. If I disobey her she does... horrible things to me.
(shudders) Hey Krillen, you've grown!
Krillen: Yeah, but don't worry. I'll
shrink again after a few episodes.
Turtle: Hey, who is that? (motioning
to Gohan)
Gokou: That's my new son Gohan. Don't
even think of eating him like you did that other one.
Gohan: Huh?
Gokou: No, its too early for you to know
about your brother Goyam.
Turtle: But... I crave the taste of a child's
blood. Those rats they've been feeding me can't hold me for long.
Gokou: If you eat him, I swear I'll tell
Chi-Chi! No phony stories about giant birds this time!
Turtle: (gasp) Chi-Chi? You
wouldn't! Okay, okay! I won't eat him. (looks over at
Gohan) I'll just have to make it look like an accident.
Gohan: (hides behind Bulma's leg)
Bulma: Well, glad to know you're alive and
stuff. But uh, Gokou... has Gohan ever looked at the moon when it
was full?
Master Roshi: Yeah... has he ever seen the
full moon at night?
Gokou: Full moon? This is the first
time he's seen the sky!
Krillin: (looks up at the sky) Oh no!
I sense a horrible power coming!
Master Roshi: AAAH!! CHI-CHI!!
Krillin: No, its different.
Raditz: (lands on the island in front of
them all, his ridiculously long hair blowing in the wind ominously)
Hi, my name is Raditz. I'm Gokou's brother but his real name is Kakarot
and he's a Saiyan from another world who was sent here as a baby to kill
everyone on Earth, but he didn't so I had to come here and do it myself
and go get him to help us fight, since me and him and two other guys are
the last Saiyans left, except for a few more but they only appear in the
movies, so you all die now.
Krillen: Huh? Who is that?
Bulma: He just explained you idiot!
Turtle: Stupid midget!
Gokou: But I can't fight for you!
Chi-Chi won't let me!
Raditz: Chi-Chi? Is that the name
of your stupid code of honor or something? I don't care!
Krillen: I'll fight for you!
Raditz: NO! No midgets allowed!
(hits Krillen with his tail)
Krillen: (flies backwards and slams into
the house)
Raditz: If you won't fight for me voluntarily,
I'll just have to kidnap your kid and force you to. (calmly walks
over and picks up Gohan)
Gohan: (crying tearlessly, as his tears
have been deemed inappropriate for broadcast by the network censors.)
Turtle: (muttering under his breath) That kid
was gonna be mine.
Raditz: Now go and destroy everything on
Earth or you'll never see your kid again! Wah ha ha! (flies
off with Gohan)
Gokou: Oh no! Chi-Chi will never let
me fight Raditz! What am I gonna do?! (starts crying)
Piccolo: (suddenly, he enters the scene,
landing on the island with all of them)
Bulma: Oh no, its Piccolo! He tried
to sexually molest me once!
Master Roshi: No, that was me.
Bulma: Oh yeah. (hits Master Roshi)
Piccolo: I heard the whole thing with the
super hearing powers I seem to have. The only solution is to have
a rebellion against Chi-Chi. Many of us will surely die horrible
deaths, but with a little luck we might be able to win.
Gokou: No, you don't know how powerful she
is!
Master Roshi: Piccolo's right. If
we team up we might be able to beat her.
Krillen: Yeah!
Gokou: I guess we don't have a choice.
Piccolo: But come on. First we have
to face the more immediate problem of defeating Raditz.
Gokou: Yeah! Okay, the two of us will
go off to defeat Raditz together while you guys formulate a plan for the
upcoming battle against Chi-Chi.
Krillen, Bulma, Master Roshi, and Turtle:
Okay!
Piccolo: Okay, but don't forget that I'm
actually evil and as soon as this is all over I'm going to kill you all.
That is if I don't form a lasting bond with Gohan which melts my icy heart
and causes the good that was inside of me to shine through. And if
Gokou doesn't become ridiculously more powerful than me and everyone else
during the course of our journeys.
Piccolo and Gokou: (fly off towards the horizon)
Gokou: Ha ha! I can fly faster than
you!
Piccolo: Bitch.
End Episode One
On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z rewrite,
Gokou and Piccolo have a confrontation with the evil Raditz, while Krillen
and the others try desperately to think up a way to defeat Chi-Chi, but
realize that they're too stupid. Also, the word "bitch" is used a
lot. Will Gokou and Piccolo defeat Raditz and save the planet Earth?
Find out on the next exiting episode of Dragon Ball Z rewrite, "Raditz
is defeated." |