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Episode Two
"Raditz is Defeated"

On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, the cast of Sailor Moon died horrible, horrible deaths.  Who will die horrible, horrible deaths this time?  Find out on this exiting episode of... Dragon Ball Z Rewrite!

Raditz:  (touches down on the ground in the field where his space ship landed, carrying Gohan)  Hel-lo little boy.  My name is Ra-ditz.  I'm your unc-le.

Gohan:  Why are you talking like an idiot?
 

Raditz:  Silly, be-cause that's how you're sup-posed to talk to little child-ren.

Gohan:  I have a language comprehension skill at a higher level than most college students.

Farmer:  (runs out to where the two are talking, yelling angrily) Hey!

Raditz:  (spins around to look at the farmer) Huh?  Who are you?

Farmer:  I'm the farmer who was supposed to be the first person you met on Earth.

Raditz:  Huh?

Farmer:  When you crashed, I ran out like an idiot to greet the evil alien with my puny little gun just like I was supposed to, but you were already gone.  That's not FAIR!  I never got my chance in the spotlight!

Raditz:  Uhh... right.

Farmer:  Now I'm gonna shoot you! (fires the gun)

Raditz:  (grabs the bullet in mid air, and holds it out in his hand)  Ha!  You have a measly power level of 5!  You can never hurt me!  (throws the bullet back at the farmer, causing him to fly backwards and hit the truck)  Hmm, now what was I saying to Gohan?  Oh yeah...

Farmer:  (groaning)

Raditz:  (ignoring the farmer) Hel-lo Gohan.  I'm your unc-le.

Farmer:  (groaning louder)

Raditz:  Grrr...

Farmer:  Ouch.  I'm very badly injured.  But not dead.

Raditz:  SHUT UP!  YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!  (fires an energy blast at the farmer, causing a huge explosion which destroys the truck and sends parts flying everywhere)  Well now.  That should do it.  So Gohan-

Farmer:  (falls from the sky in front of them, badly burnt.  He reaches out his hand)  Hey... hey... I'm still alive.  It may have looked like you killed me, but I'm actually still alive as you can see.

Raditz: (screams in rage.  He than picks up the farmer by the shirt and throws him into the air.  He fires energy blast after energy blast after the farmer while he's still airborne, creating vaporizing heat.  Then he finishes it off with one huge apocalyptic blast which creates a blinding light for a few seconds.  When the dust clears, only a huge chasm in the ground stands where the farmer once was.  Raditz watches the chasm closely for a few tense seconds.  Waiting, waiting.  But nothing is there.  He smiles in triumph.)  Yeah.  (turning back to Gohan)  So as I was saying...

Farmer:  (one blackened hand grabs the top of the huge blast crater, and he pulls himself up with all his remaining strength)  I'm still alive here!  No innocents have been killed!

Raditz:  (runs over to the farmer, and grabs him by the leg.  With all his might he throws him high, high into the sky)

Farmer:  (flying through the air, he quickly rips through the Earth's atmosphere and starts hurtling through the solar system at incredible speeds.  He is fast approaching another planet, Mars.  He slams down onto the martian terrain and creates a hole hundreds of miles deep in the planet's surface when he impacts.)

Raditz:  He should be there by now.  (pointing his hand in the same direction as he threw the Farmer, he fires a huge blast of pure energy.  A few seconds pass by, and then a white explosion lights up the sky as the planet Mars is utterly destroyed.)  Yeah, he's definitely dead now.

Gohan:  My mom's gonna get you for kidnapping me like this!

Raditz:  (sarcastically)  Ooohhh, your mom!  I'm soo scared.  Oh no, your mommy's gonna hurt me!  Heh heh heh.  (suddenly, a look of shock appears on his face as he looks towards the horizon.)  I sense an ancient and powerful evil awakening!

At Gohan and Chi-Chi's house

Chi-Chi:  (yawn)  That was a nice nap.  Hey Gokou, can you make us some dinner?  (after hearing no response, she becomes slightly angered)  Gokou, you better do it if you don't want to spend another week in The Box.  (looks around)  Hey... where is Gokou?  And where is Gohan?  He better not be trying to look out the window again!  (she runs around the house frantically looking for them)  Where could they... (suddenly she becomes enraged as a thought crosses her mind)  No!  He didn't!  He wouldn't!  (with a blast of energy, she completely destroys the house.  Looking around the wreckage, she sees no sign of either of them)  He... DID!  GOKOU TOOK GOHAN SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE!  (she flies up into the air, mouth foaming with rage, eyes glowing bright red)  Kill.  (she flies off)

Gokou and Piccolo are flying across the ocean.

Gokou:  Chi-Chi has awakened, and she's not happy.

Piccolo:  Yes, I can also sense it.

Gokou:  Luckily Chi-Chi is incapable of sensing our ki.  It will take her a while to find us.

Piccolo, Master Roshi, Bulma and Turtle are back at the house.

All: (yelling in fear)

Krillen:  It's Chi-Chi!  She's awake!  We're doomed!

Bulma:  The evil cascades of her anger cause the world to tremble.  It touches the darkest parts of my very soul.

Master Roshi:  Yeah.

Krillen:  She's coming this way!  Aaaah!  She's so fast!

Chi-Chi:  (touches down in front of them.  Her eyes glow with red fire, and she emanates an aura of godly fury)

Turtle:  Gokou was right.  We never had a chance against her.

Bulma:  Krillen, since we're about to die... I... I've always loved you.

Krillen:  Huh?

Chi-Chi:  Are Gokou and Gohan with you?

Master Roshi:  No!  NO!  Not here!  You can look around yourself, they aren't here!  We haven't seen them!  Haven't ever seen them!  No idea where they are!

Chi-Chi:  (she moves her hand across the island, destroying the house and everything else  as it passes by,  like a tornado.  Gokou and Gohan are not found.)

Bulma: (sobbing uncontrollably)  Please... please let us live!

Chi-Chi:  (she stares at them for tense moments, before finally speaking)  I believe you... for now.  But if I ever find out you were lying...  (with that she flies off)

All:  (they simply stand there speechless, in utter shock)

Intermission

Meanwhile, on some far off planet in deep space...

Vegeta and Nappa are sitting side by side, looking bored.

Vegeta:  (looking forward, tapping his foot softly)

Nappa:  (glances out the nearby window)

Vegeta:  (whistles a couple notes to himself)

Nappa:  (clears his throat)

Vegeta:  (looks over at Nappa)

Nappa:  So... Raditz is on Earth.

Vegeta:  Yep.

Nappa:  (looks forward again)

Vegeta:  (does so also)

Nappa:  (stretches his legs)

Vegeta:  (scratches his head)

Nappa:  (taps his fingers)

Vegeta:  (adjusts his armor slightly)

Nappa:  (glances out the window again)

Vegeta:  (runs his hand absentmindedly through his hair)

Nappa:  (blinks)

Vegeta:  (coughs)

Nappa:  (leans back in his chair)

Vegeta:  (yawns softly)

Nappa:  (leans his head on his hand)

Vegeta:  (suddenly leaps up from his chair)  I'm becoming a Super Saiyan!!

Nappa:  (sighs)  Not this again.

Vegeta:  I really am this time!  Watch!

Nappa:  (covers his face with his hands, and slowly shakes his head)

Vegeta:  (clenching his fists and concentrating really hard, a vein on his head is becoming bigger and bigger)

Nappa:  Vegeta, you're not becoming a Super Saiyan.

Vegeta:  (Lets out a primal scream of rage)

Nappa:  Stop doing this to yourself.

Vegeta:  (stops, then rips out a hand mirror from somewhere.  Examines himself.  A huge smile grows across his face, and he plucks out a single hair)  Look Nappa!  This one turned gold!  It really did it!  I am the legendary Super Saiyan!

Nappa:  (frowns)  Vegeta, its gray.

Vegeta:  (oblivious to Nappa, he dances around the room)  Ha ha ha!  I, Vegeta, am the legendary Super Saiyan!  Just call me Super Vegeta, the strongest being in the universe!

Nappa:  Vegeta...

Vegeta:  I am the mightiest and the best!  Bwa ha ha!  Gods tremble with fear before my ire!

Nappa:  Vegita...

Vegeta:  Now that I'm the legendary Super Saiyan, nothing can stand in my way!  Watch out, Freeza!  I'm going to make you my bitch!  Ha ha ha!  You will bow before your new master!

Nappa:  Vegeta...

Vegeta:  Grrr... what is it now, you puny non-Super Saiyan?

Nappa:  Vegeta, you're not a Super Saiyan.

Vegeta:  What are you talking about?

Nappa:  Vegeta, its just an ordinary gray hair.  You're not a Super Saiyan.

Vegeta:  I'm... not?

Nappa:  (nods his head "no")

Vegeta:  (slumps back down in his chair)

Nappa:  (sighs)

Vegeta:  I'm still really strong, though.  (pouts)

Nappa:  Do you have to do this every day?

End Intermission

Meanwhile, at the farmer's field, Piccolo and Gokou have touched down next to Raditz and Gohan.

Raditz:  Hel-lo little boy.  I'm your-- what the!?

Gokou:  How dare you try to bond with my son!  Now you'll die!

Raditz:  Ha ha ha!  Do you think you can defeat me?  I'm more a Saiyan than you'll ever be!

Piccolo:  Don't go there, girlfriend.

Gokou:  What have you done with Gohan?  Where did you put him?

Raditz:  Uhh... he's right here.  I was just talking to him.

Gohan:  Hi, dad.

Gokou:  Oh... hi, son.  Daddy's gonna kill the mean man now.

Gohan:  Okay.

Raditz:  (flies at Gokou and Piccolo, and they begin exchanging blows)

Gohan:  (watches happily)

Raditz:  I must admit you two are stronger than I had thought  (kick, punch), but I am still much stronger than both of you combined.  (punch, punch, kick)  In fact, my left hand is stronger than both of your entire right arms combined.  (kick, punch, kick)

Piccolo:  Nuh-uh!  (kick)

Gokou:  No its not!  (kick, kick)  My right arm is at least as strong as your entire left arm!  (punch)  MAYBE your right hand would be ALMOST a match for my left arm, (punch, kick, kick)  But there's no way your left hand is as strong as even my right arm alone.  (punch, kick).  And both our right arms combined?  (punch)  That's just a laugh.  (punch, punch)

Raditz:  We'll see.  (rips off Piccolo's arm)

Piccolo:  OW!!!

Raditz:  Heh heh.  Has anyone seen my arm?  You can't miss it, it's green.

Piccolo:  Grr...

Raditz:  Heh heh.  Let's all give him a hand!  Heh heh heh.  You must not be very good with your hands!  Heh heh.  That's gonna cost an arm and a leg!  Ha ha ha ha ha!

Piccolo:  (grows back his missing arm)

Raditz:  Hey, neat trick.  It must be really HANDy.  Heh heh heh.  I bet you like to lend a hand around the house!  Heh heh.  The ladies must think you're HANDsome!

Gohan:  THOSE JOKES WERE REALLY STUPID!  (punches Raditz hard in the stomach, sending him to the ground gasping for breath)

Raditz:  Gh... ow.

Gokou:  Wow!  It appears Gohan has amazing powers of some sort!

Piccolo:  Didn't we find that out when we fought Garlic Jr. that one time?

Gokou:  Oh yeah...

Raditz:  (slowly getting up)

Gokou:  (grabs Raditz by the tail)  Ha ha ha!  I got your tail now!  That's a Saiyan's weak point!  Now you can't move!  We'll finally defeat you!

Raditz:  Let go.

Gokou:  Okay.  (lets go)

Piccolo:  WHAT?!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Gokou:  Oops.

Raditz:  Ha ha!  I tricked you!

Piccolo:  You moron!

Gokou:  Sorry.

Piccolo:  Uh, Gokou.  Our only chance is if you hold him still while I shoot my extra special super attack and kill both of you.

Gokou:  Really?

Piccolo:  Yep.  Only way we'll do it.  (looks innocent)

Gokou:  Okay then.  (holds Raditz still)

Piccolo:  Sucker.  Super Beam Cannon!

Gokou:  What kind of a stupid name for an attack is-- Gak!  (he and Raditz are both pierced by a powerful beam of energy shot by Piccolo)

Raditz:  (dies)

Gokou:  (dies)

Piccolo:  Well, that takes care of that.

Raditz:  (coughs up blood)  You big green jerk!  My friends Nappa and Vegeta are gonna come beat you up!  (dies)

Krillen:  (at that moment, he has arrived and sees Gokou and Raditz laying there)  Oh no!  Gokou!  (crying over Gokou's body)  My lifelong friend!  What have they done to you!  (sob)

Piccolo:  Calm down.  He's just dead.

Krillen:  He is?  (perks up)  Phew, I thought he was hurt.  Okay, lets go get the Dragon Balls.

Raditz:  Dragon Balls?  You mean to tell me there's something on this world called Dragon Balls, which can grant the user any one wish?  My friends will surely be interested in that.  They can hear all of this through this scouter thing which doubles as a communicator.  (dies)

Krillen:  Oh no!  Now there are two incredibly powerful Saiyans heading to Earth to kill us all!

Raditz:  Oh yeah, they'll be here in one year's time.  (dies)

Krillen:  The only solution is for all of us to train for that year, so we can defeat them.

Piccolo:  I guess so.  (picks up Gohan, who has inexplicably fallen unconscious)  Okay, Gokou can train in the afterlife.  And you and those other guys can go train with Kame.  And me and the kid will go back to my house and watch TV.

Krillen:  Uh... how about you two train as well.

Piccolo:  (grumbles)  Oh, fine.

Krillen:  (flies off)

Piccolo:  (flies off with Gohan)

Somewhere, flying over the ocean.

Chi-Chi:  (blazing with unholy fire)  Gokou, I will find you.  I will find you wherever you are.  And when I do, you shall pay.  You shall PAY!

Some time later, back at the field.

Farmer:  (blackened and burnt, he falls from the sky, hitting the ground at incredible speeds.  Slowly he stirs, and then gets to his feet.)  I'm still alive here.  No innocent farmers have been killed in this episode.  I just wanted you all to know.  (looks around)  Hey, where is everyone?

End Episode Two

On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, Nappa and Vegeta begin their journey to Earth to find the Dragon Balls so Vegeta can wish for immortality and Nappa can get absolutely nothing.  Meanwhile, Gohan learns that his father is dead and he will have to spend the next year of his life in incredibly tough training.  Surprisingly, he doesn't really seem to care.  But will Chi-Chi destroy them all?  Find out in the next exiting episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, "The Episode Where I Start to Run Out of Jokes"

 
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