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Episode 12
"The Phantom Menace"

On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, the Earthlings were heading towards planet Namek in their space ship, as were Vegeta and Freeza.  But Gohan's overactive imagination has conjured up the belief that Krillen is being possessed by a horrible space monster.  Zany antics ensue.

Krillen:  (looking at the controls of the ship.  They consist of a bunch of seemingly random flashing lights.)  Hmm... everything seems to be all right.  (gasps)  Woah!  It looks like our course has us headed straight for a small planet!  I'd better change it, or we'll crash!

Bulma:  Krillen, you're looking at the christmas tree lights.  The controls are over there.

Krillen:  Oh.  Oops.  (walks over to an almost identical set of flashing lights)  Why did you bring christmas tree lights anyway?  (checking the controls)  Oh no!  It looks like our course has us headed straight for a small planet!  I'd better change it, or we'll crash!

Bulma:  Yeah, you'd better.

Gohan:  (walks in, and peeks around the corner, spying on them)

Krillen:  Okay, I am now reprogramming our route.

Gohan:  (gasps)

Krillen:  Now we will never see that planet!

Bulma:  Excellent.

Gohan:  (runs away, into his room)  Oh no, the space monster just reprogrammed our route away from planet Namek!  And it looks like they got Bulma too!  Now I'm the only one left.  They're probably just waiting for the right time to get me too!  I've got to stop them, and save Bulma and Krillen.  But first I'll fix our course.

Audience:  Uh oh...

Gohan:  (sneaks back into the control room, finding Bulma and Krillen gone, and sets the controls back to their original settings)

Audience:  (laughs)

Meanwhile, back on Earth.

Chi-Chi:  ...and it was then that I realized I've been abused by men all my life.  I want to do something to clean up this patriarchal culture of sexual discrimination!  That's why I'd like to help out your organization, miss... uh...

Woman:  Lampshade.  Mrz. Lampshade.

Chi-Chi:  Yes.

Lampshade:  Your story touches me Chi-Chi.  Growing up with an overbearing quote-finger-making father, entering a planned marriage with a muscle-bound twit, who proceeds to run out on you and kidnap your son, and then remarrying another man who also runs out on you and also kidnaps your son!  It boggles the mind that in this supposedly enlightened day and age men can treat women womyn like sub-humans this way and still be free, respected members of society.

Chi-Chi:  Actually, my first husband is now dead, and my second fled the planet, and my father is currently in the hospital after I punched him and ruptured several organs.

Lampshade:  Heh heh heh.  You are a very funny womyn Chi-Chi.  We'll be glad to welcome you to the S.O.W. (Stopping the Overpowering of Womyn) organization.

Chi-Chi:  Great!  When can I start indiscriminately slaughtering men by the thousands?

Lampshade:  Heh heh... that's not exactly what we do.  We have marches and protests and petition congress.  I can give you a job of some sort for helping out our cause.  Can you give me some idea of what your skills are?

Chi-Chi:  I am capable of laying waste to civilizations with the movement of my hand.

Lampshade:  Ha ha ha ha.  Quite the joker, aren't you?

Chi-Chi:  Yes, it is rather funny, isn't it?  Like the time when I destroyed Tokyo.  Ha ha ha.  That was great.

Lampshade:  Okay stop, now it's getting creepy.

At a S.O.W. march, some time later.

SOWs:  Down with violence against womyn!  Down with rape!

Rapist:  (watching from nearby apartment building)  Huh?  Are they saying they don't like being raped?  Shit, I've really screwed up then.  (walks over to his closet, and unties the woman he had locked up there)  I'm sorry, baby, I've made a terrible mistake.

Woman:  You knocked me out on my way home from work and locked me in a closet for three weeks!  Do you think I'll just forgive you?

Rapist:  I've changed, though!  I swear!  I love you, baby!

Woman:  Ohhh... I love you too!  (they embrace)

Rapist:  What did you say your name was?

Chi-Chi:  (in the protest)  Eat unholy fire and die, penis patriarchs!  (destroys nearby building)

Lampshade:  Chi-Chi, please.  Less destroying of buildings and more yelling of slogans.

In a darkened room in a secret underground bunker...

Subordinate:  (enters room)  Sir!  Emergency!

Man in suit:  What is it?

Subordinate:  The lowly women rebels are marching in downtown Generic City and campaigning against our Evil Man Empire!

Man in suit:  (laughs evilly)  Do they really think they have a chance against us?  We have a 'y' chromosome!  We are unstoppable!  And we will rule the world, as is out birthright, for all eternity!

Subordinate:  Should we send the storm troopers after them, sir?

Man in suit:  Yes.  Let not a one escape.  We will make an example of them.

Back at the march.

Random SOW:  Oh no, we're under attack!  (goes down in a hail of gunfire)

Storm Trooper #1:  So, you want equal pay for equal work, do you?  Well now it is time for you to pay!  With your lives!

Storm Trooper #2:  That wasn't very good.

Storm Trooper #1:  I know.

Random SOW #2:  I've discovered that those Tai Bo classes I took for self defense were a complete waste of money!

Random SOW #3:  Oh no!  We womyn are helpless and pacifistic!  We cannot hope to defeat the overbearing violent attack of men!  How will we defend ourselves?

Chi-Chi:  (rises up above the crowd in a halo of fire)

Storm Trooper #1:  Holy sweet god in heaven... who the hell is she?

Storm Trooper #2:  I can see up her skirt.  (giggles)

Storm Troopers #1 and #2:  (incinerated, along with several dozen others)

Chi-Chi:  I am an angel of death.  And your time has come. DIE, BITCHES!  (sets off cataclysmic explosions which destroy all attacking storm troopers and a good chunk of the city)

General:  (watching from a nearby helicopter)  Good lord.  That's... impossible!  It... IT CAN'T BE!  Send the tanks!  Launch missiles!  Attack with jets!

Chi-Chi:  (almost instantly hit from all angles with all manner of weapons, she is surrounded with impossibly huge blinding explosions)

General:  Ha ha ha!  That got her!  No force on EARTH could survive that!

Chi-Chi:  (surrounded by dust, it clears, revealing her virtually unharmed)

General:  (clutches his chest)  I... I never saw that one coming!

Chi-Chi:  (lays waste to the horde of tanks, planes, and missile launchers without breaking a sweat)  This is what happens to all the bad boys who oppose me.  (flies up to the general's helicopter, and smashes through its floor)

General:  Gah... this... CAN'T BE!

Chi-Chi:  Looks like you could use a spanking.

[BOOM!]

The ashes of the destroyed helicopter drift slowly to the ground.

Random SOW #4:  It... it's a miracle.

Lampshade:  I think I'm in love.

Later.

Lampshade:  Chi-Chi, are you sure you won't stay with SOW?

Chi-Chi:  No, Lampshade.  I can't.  I think our methods are too different.  I must find my own path.

Lampshade:  Goodbye, then, and good luck!

Chi-Chi:  (nods her head)

Lampshade:  Though our paths may be different, I think what we really want is the same thing.  Peace and equality for all men and womyn.

Chi-Chi:  (flies off into the sunset)

Lampshade:  We'll always remember you!

Later still.

Newscaster (on TV):  Unholy holocaust towards men breaks out!  One million already dead!  Sources say mysterious stranger of incredible power is to blame!

Gokou:  (flicks off the TV)  We'll just wish them back with the Dragon Balls later.  Doesn't really matter.  So where did you say Gohan and Krillen and Bulma went?

Dr. Briefs:  For the last time, planet Namek.

Back in the Earthlings' ship.

Gohan:  (reading comic books)  It says here that if the body is damaged, the space monster will have to leave it and go find a new host.  I wish Piccolo had finished teaching me that "punch" attack.  Then I could just beat up Bulma and Krillen and kill the space monsters when they were forced to leave the body.  But I never mastered the punch, so I'll have to use trickery.

In the other room.

Bulma & Krillen:  (playing chess)

Krillen:  Um, I'm moving my little horsey... forward.

Bulma:  The horsey doesn't move forward!  How many times do I have to explain it to you!?

Krillen:  It moves backwards?  But it's on the back of the board, there is no way for it to move backwards!

Bulma:  Idiot!  In this strategic game of chess, each piece moves in a different way!

Krillen:  Like, some of them levitate, and some of them walk...

Bulma:  Shut up.  Just shut up.  You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Krillen:  I'm moving that little phallic thing next to the castle... forward.

Bulma:  (smashes the board)  I... hate... you...

Krillen:  Guess I win then.  (snickering)

Bulma:  Die.  Die and go to hell.  (storms off)

Krillen:  (under his breath) Sucker.

Gohan:  (walks in)  Hey space mons- I mean Krillen.  There is a problem for you in the engine room.  By which I mean to say that, in the engine room, there is a problem which needs to be fixed.  By you.  Don't you think that, since the problem is located in the engine room, you should go there?  To the engine room?

Krillen:  Yes.  Yes, I do think I should go to the engine room.

In the engine room.

Gohan:  The problem is there.  In that superheated core reactor over there.

Krillen:  There is a problem with the superheated core reactor?  I don't see any.

Gohan:  Maybe you should take a closer look.  I think you should walk right next to that superheated core rector and look very carefully at it.

Krillen:  All right, I will go take a closer look at that superheated core reactor and look very carefully at it.  (goes to take a closer look at that superheated core reactor and looks very carefully at it)  Gee, this sure is warm.

Gohan:  Eat shit and die, space monster!  (pushes Krillen into the superheated core reactor)

Krillen:  No, I don't see anything wrong in here.  Are you sure the problem was in the superheated core reactor, Gohan?  (curiously, his clothes are also not being harmed)  But it is noisy in here.  I didn't hear what you just said.  Could you repeat it?

Gohan:  Hmm.  I forgot Krillen had godlike power.  And so do his clothes.  I should probably do Bulma first.

Later.

Bulma:  I don't see any problem in the superheated core-  AAAUGH!  (badly burnt)  Jesus, Gohan!  What the hell are you doing?

Gohan:  (Thinking "Hmm... I guess she's not badly enough hurt to force the space monster out.")  Oops, sorry.  I guess the problem wasn't in the superheated core reactor.  It's probably over there, in that vat of acidic slime.

Bulma:  So, the vat of acidic slime needs repairing, does it?  I'll just take a look in- SWEET GOD!  AAAAAUGH!!  THE PAIN!

Gohan:  Maybe not.  Oh, you know what?  I think it was the sharp, spiky, knife covered cutting machine, over there.

Later, Bulma is covered head to toe in bandages and talking with Krillen.

Bulma:  Gohan is acting so weird!  And he kept saying he was sure there was a problem somewhere!  But I see no evidence of it.

Krillen:  I bet it's because he's bored.  Kids get weird when they're bored.  We've both been ignoring him.  We should spend some time with him.

Bulma:  Good idea.  You've been so busy not understanding the concept of chess that Gohan has been left alone with nothing to do.  You should go take care of him.

Gohan:  (pressing his ear to the door of the room to listen to their conversation)

Krillen:  Yes, you are right Bulma.  It's definitely time I go and take care of Gohan.

Bulma:  Yes, the time is right.  We can't let this wait any longer.  He's causing us too many problems.

Gohan:  (gasp)  Oh no!  They're gonna come and get me!

Krillen:  Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go and take care of him right now!  (opens the door)

Gohan:  Noooo!  (runs)

Krillen:  Hey, what's going on bro?  Why you runnin'?  (chases him)

Gohan:  You won't catch me!  I'll never let you!

Krillen:  So you want to play tag, huh?  All right then. Let's play!

Gohan:  (leaping over tables and chairs, throwing things back at Krillen and slamming doors as he runs)

Krillen:  Wow, you play rough!  But you can't escape from me!

Gohan:  (finally cornered in a small room)

Krillen:  Well, you put up a good fight.  But I finally caught you.

Gohan:  Oh no!

Krillen:  Oh yes!  And now... it is time for me to take care of you!

Suddenly, the ship rocks back and forth violently.

Bulma:  (runs in)  Krillen!  We're crashing into that planet!  You said you changed the course!

Krillen:  I did!  What's going on?

All three are thrown about as the ship crashes to the surface of the small world.

Gohan:  (picking himself up from the floor)  Uuugh, what happened?

Bulma:  Krillen, you moron!  You screwed us up again!  I hope the damage isn't too bad, we could be stuck here!

Krillen:  I swear I changed the course!

Bulma:  Did you change it on the real control panel, or the christmas lights?

Krillen:  Both, just to be safe!

Gohan:  Wait a minute, does this mean we're on Namek now?

Krillen:  Namek?  No.  We're on that other planet I changed the course to avoid!

Gohan:  Uh oh.

One long explanation later.

Bulma & Krillen:  (laughing)

Bulma:  Oh, Gohan.  You really thought we were space monsters?  You're so crazy!

Krillen:  Yeah, Gohan.  You have such an overactive imagination.

Gohan:  (looking embarrassed)  Sorry, guys.  Next time I'll be sure to trust you not to be space monsters.

Krillen:  Come'ere you!  (huge Gohan)  I just wish we didn't have to crash into the planet is all.  I sure hope we can get the ship repaired and we don't die here!

Bulma:  It's those darn comic books.  Kids shouldn't be reading things like this.  They put bad ideas into their heads, and lead them astray.

Gohan:  You're right Bulma.  It's the comics that caused all this.  I see now that they were rotting my brain.  I'll never read them again.

Bulma:  You got that right, kiddo!  (hands Gohan a Bible)  From now on, this will be the only thing you read!

Gohan:  (excited)  Wow!  Now I can become closer to Jesus!  Thanks, Bulma!

Krillen:  Now let's burn those rotten comic books before they cause any more trouble.  (sets the pile of comics ablaze with a ki blast)

Bulma:  Now let's all sit around this lovely bonfire and sing a hymn.

Suddenly, a large light fixture falls from the ceiling and hits Krillen on the head.

Krillen:  Crap.  (falls onto the floor in pain)  Ugh, oh no!  My host body!  (a small, slimy worm-like creature crawls out of his ear)

Worm Creature:  Curse you, Gohan!  I'll get you yet!

Gohan:  (gasps)  Oh no, they really were possessed by space monsters!  (squishes the space monster with his foot)

Bulma:  No!  You may have gotten Xargnark, but now you shall die!  (advances towards Gohan)

Gohan:  (getting angry, his power level starts to rise)  Grrr...

Bulma:  Huh?  No... it... can't be!

Gohan:  Leave... leave... leave my friend Bulma alone, space monster!  (he clenches his hand into a fist, pulls it back, and... successfully pulls off the Punch attack!)

Bulma:  Oof!  (falls to the ground, and the space monster crawls out of her ear)

Gohan:  Not today, space monster.  You messed with the wrong kid.  (squishes it)

Space Monster:  Curse... you... Gohan...  (dies)

Bulma & Krillen:  (getting up, rubbing their heads)

Krillen:  Uh, woah, I can control my body again!

Bulma:  Quick!  Save the comic books!  They are what saved us all!

Gohan:  (grabs a bucket of water, which was luckily sitting right there and didn't spill in the crash, and puts out the flame)

Bulma:  Phew, they're hardly damaged at all.  They're still readable.

Krillen:  (crying)  Yeah, but now they aren't mint.  How will I ever make my fortune on eBay?

Bulma:  At least we still have our lives.  Thanks to Gohan, and comic books!  Now let's go repair the ship.

Gohan:  I'll help!

All:  (walking off)

Bulma:  (almost trips over the Bible, which was dropped in the confusion)  Hey, what's this thing doing here?  We don't need this piece of crap.  (picks it up and tosses it into the trash.)

Somewhere in heaven.

Jesus:  (weeping)

King Kai:  Hey, what's wrong Jesus?  Why are you always crying?

Jesus:  More lost souls will never know my love.

King Kai:  Cheer up.  We're having a party at my place.  Let's go have some fun.

Jesus:  Will there be Barbecue chips?

King Kai:  We know you love 'em.

Jesus:  Okay, I'm coming.  (giggles)

End Episode Twelve

On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, the journey to Namek will continue, and I'll make some jokes that aren't nearly as blasphemous as the ones in this episode.  I promise.

By the way, I know I've been misspelling "of course" as "of coarse."  About ten people have emailed me to tell me.  I'm not going back and changing it in the old episodes, but I'll try to do it right from now on, so shut up about it.

So anyway... the next episode will be really good!  Read it!

 
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