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Episode 10
"Departure for Namek"

On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z, a crazy plan was hatched by that zany Yajirobe to travel to planet Namek and get the other set of Dragon Balls, which everyone in the universe seems to just assume exist there.  But with Krillen and Gohan now under tight watch by Chi-Chi (and also lacking a space ship), how will they ever get to them?

Krillen:  (walks up to Gohan, who is seated in a chair feverishly studying to catch up all his missed work)  Heya bro- I mean son.  Is Chi-Chi gone?

Gohan:  Yeah, she said she was going to the supermarket or the torture supplies depot or something.

Krillen:  (gulp)  Uh, can you remember which one?

Gohan:  (thinking)  Sorry, no.

Krillen:  So, uh, what's happenin'?

Gohan:  What do you think?  I haven't gotten up from this chair since we got home six days ago!  I'm studying, of coarse!

Krillen:  Woah, take it easy, bro.  Don't be freakin' out on me.  Just chill it.

Gohan:  Um... Krill- I mean dad, why are you talking like that?

Krillen:  Talking like what?  I'm usin' that cool speech you kids use these days.

Gohan:  No one talks like that.

Krillen:  They... don't?

Gohan:  (shakes his head)

Krillen:  Are you dissin' my lingo, bro?  Are you knockin' my hep vibes?  Are you sayin' I'm not keepin' it real?  I'm an unbearful cat?  I'm eatin' clay?

Gohan:  I'm pretty sure you just made a couple of those up.

Krillen:  (falls down)

Gohan:  Did you have something to say to me?

Krillen:  Ow.

Gohan:  What?

Krillen:  Ow.  I'm hurt.

Gohan:  You're hurt?  Why?

Krillen:  I just fell down.

Gohan:  I thought you fell down to indicate your surprise and displeasure over the fact that I disparaged your new mode of speech.

Krillen:  No, I slipped on your pencil.

Gohan:  Oops.  Sorry.  Are you okay?

Krillen:  No, I think I sprained my leg.

Gohan:  Seriously?

Krillen:  Yeah, it's sprained bad.  I'm having trouble getting up.

Gohan:  Should I call for help?

Meanwhile, at the Capsule Corporation.

Dr. Briefs:  Hello, Bulma.  What have you invented today?

Bulma:  I just invented this passenger jet which shrinks into a capsule, and this machine which will turn dirt into rice and solve world hunger, and also this perpetual motion machine.

Dr. Briefs:  Wow, cool.

Bulma:  Yeah, it sure is fun having an IQ of a million billion zillion.  And hey, look at this new dress I just got!  Isn't it sooo cute?

Yajirobe:  (walks in the door)  Hi, I'm Piccolo's zany next door neighbor Yajirobe.  Want to here about the crazy scheme I thought of to wish back Gokou and those other guys?

Bulma:  Yeah, why the hell not?

Yajirobe:  I think that since Kami is a Namek, and and he created the Dragon Balls, logically there has to be another planet somewhere out there with lots of Nameks, and lots of Dragon Balls.  Probably one set for every person.

Bulma:  Hey, good idea!  I can wish for a boyfriend.

Dr. Briefs:  You're talking about that again?  Why not just wish back Yamucha?

Bulma:  Oh, fine.  I guess we'll just wish them back.

Dr. Briefs:  But how will we get to Planet Namek?  We don't have a space ship.

Bulma:  Oh yeah, I still have this remote control from that bald guy's ship.  We can use it.  Look, there it is on TV right now.

TV Announcer:  Yes, this is the alien space ship.  It's round a small.  It's not clear how the alien was able to fit in it.  Or why, for that matter.

Bulma:  I'll just use the remote control to summon it here, like Vegeta did.  It's probably this button marked "explode."

BOOM!

Bulma:  Oh, wait, it was probably this other button.

Dr. Briefs:  That's okay.  I'm sure Mr. Popo will come along any moment now to bring us to another ship we can use.

Bulma:  Oh, you're probably right.

Yajirobe:  Yeah, all we have to do is wait.

All:  (wait silently for a while)

Yajirobe:  Wait a minute... isn't Mr. Popo dead?

Dr. Briefs:  Oh, yeah.  He is isn't he.

Bulma:  Oh...

Yajirobe:  Hmm...

Dr. Briefs:  Uh...

Bulma:  This is a problem.

Yajirobe:  Yes, it is.

Bulma:  Well shit.

Meanwhile, in heaven...

Yamucha:  We must take off on a great quest, to find all the Dragon Balls on King Kai's planet.

All:  (nod in unison)

Tien:  Hey, here's one laying on the ground.

Gokou:  And here's another one, also laying on the ground.

Piccolo:  This one was under the car.

Chouzu:  This one was in the fridge, hidden behind the orange juice.

Piccolo:  Oh, wait, there were two under the car.

Gokou:  I think this one was being used for croquet.

Chouzu:  So how many is this?

King Kai:  You collected six of the seven balls.

Tien:  Where could the seventh one be?

King Kai:  There is only one other place it could be.  Over there in... the mountains of Peril!  (points to a large mountain range)

Gokou:  I didn't see that before.

King Kai:  No one has ever gone to the mountains of peril and returned... alive!

All:  (look scared)

King Kai:  (starts laughing)

Yamucha:  What's so funny?

King Kai:  Because everyone who comes here is already dead.  So of coarse they don't return alive!  (laughing hilariously)

Chouzu:  I don't get it.

Gokou:  I think that joke was too complicated for me.

Tien:  Oh, I get it.  Because we're already dead.  Ha ha, good one King Kai.

Yamucha:  So... the mountains of peril aren't really dangerous?

King Kai:  (suddenly becomes deadly serious)  No, they are incredibly dangerous.

Gokou:  I still don't get it.

Back on planet Earth.

Chi-Chi:  Krillen, dear!  KRILLEN!  Get over here right now!

Krillen:  (walks in)  Yes, dear.  I was just polishing the kitchen floor with my tongue like you asked, dear.

Chi-Chi:  Thank you honey.  I was just thinking... I think it would be good for Gohan if we went out and did something, you know, as a family.

Krillen:  Woah, you want to go out?

Chi-Chi:  Well, Gohan has been studying for over a week straight, and you guys did already RUIN HIS INNOCENCE by taking him outside!  Ooohhh, it makes me so ANGRY that you did that?

Krillen:  Woah, Chi-Chi, don't look at me like that.  Don't move any closer to me!  I... I didn't even have anything to do with Gohan getting trained... I... I... Chi-Chi, please!  I... sweet god... sweet god no!

Several painful hours later...

Chi-Chi:  So, like I said, I think we could do something as a family.

Later that day, at the circus.

Gohan:  Wow mommy, this is so great!  Hey, what are those?

Chi-Chi:  Those are elephants, dear.

Gohan:  No, not those.  Those!

Chi-Chi:  You mean those people?

Gohan:  Yeah!  Wow, real live people!  I've never seen anyone besides you and daddy and daddy's friends.  Except on TV.

Chi-Chi:  Just forget about everything you saw on TV Gohan.  TV is bad and evil and rots your brain, and it makes you violent and shoot all the other kids at your school.

Gohan:  What are you talking about?  I don't go to a school.

Chi-Chi:  TV KILLS!

Gohan:  Uh... okay.  (whatever)

Cotton Candy Salesman:  Come up and get your cotton candy!  It's pink and fluffy and composed entirely of sugar!

Gohan:  Yum!  Mommy, can I please have a candy?

Chi-Chi:  CANDY KILLS!

Gohan:  (sighs)

Circus Midget:  (surrounded by thousand of bald midget females, talking to the lion tamer)  And since that Krillen guy is now married, I shaved my head, and now I'm the alpha midget!  I've been passing on my superior genes.  Heh heh heh.

Krillen:  (sobbing)

Balloon Salesman:  (to Gohan)  Hey, little boy.  How would you like a nice bright shiny happy balloon!

Gohan:  Oh boy!

Chi-Chi:  BALLOONS KILL!

Balloon Salesman:  What are you talking about, you crazy--

Chi-Chi:  (blasts the balloon salesman to a fine powder)  And so do I.

Krillen:  Uh, Chi-Chi, uh, why did you, uh, take Gohan to the circus if, you know, you didn't want him to, uh, do anything here?

Chi-Chi:  Do not question me.

Far above the circus, a space ship hovers.

Bulma:  It sure is a good thing I happened to find this space ship even without Mr. Popo.  Now I have to pick up Krillen and Gohan, and we'll go to planet Namek to get some of the Dragon Balls, and wish back Gokou and the others, who died in the battle with the Saiyans a while ago, who are the evil race that Gokou belongs to, even though he's not evil, but he used to be when he first got sent to Earth as a baby, but he hit his head on a rock, which caused him to not be evil anymore for some reason, and I don't really understand it, but I guess it's a good thing it happened, because Gokou is our hero who continually saves the Earth, instead of killing us all like he was supposed to, because that was his mission which the Saiyans sent him on, to clear all the life from Earth so they can sell it to some sort of a planet buyer I guess, but now Gokou can't save us anymore, because he's dead, so that's why we have to wish him back with the Dragon Balls, which are on planet Namek.  I really should stop this bad habit of explaining things to no one in particular when I'm alone in a room.  So anyway, I've tracked Krillen and Gohan down there to that circus, and now I'm going to go pick them up so they can come to planet Namek with me.  Shit, I'm still explaining aren't I?  I always do this!  Stop explaining!  Now!  Okay, I'm gonna stop talking.  Right... now.  Okay, I stopped.  Wait!  Shit!

Down on the circus...

Ringleader:  Welcome to the greatest show on Earth!  We have some mighty fine entertainment for you tonight!

Chi-Chi:  Entertainment?  WHAT?!

Krillen:  Does entertainment also kill?

Chi-Chi:  Yes.  Yes it does.

Krillen:  What did you think the circus was, Chi-Chi?

Chi-Chi:  (ignoring him)  I would leave, but I already paid.  Gohan, please try not to have any fun.

Gohan:  Okay mommy.

Ringleader:  ...and for our final act, the great Human Rocket will actually be shot out of this cannon, hurtling towards the stars!

Audience:  Ooohhh, aaahhh...

Krillen:  (to himself)  Wait a minute.  Human Rocket... towards the stars... I've got it!  Maybe that cannon guy knows a way we can get to outer space!

Ringleader:  This cannon is so powerful, it might even shot him... all the way to another planet!

Krillen:  (to himself)  Wait a minute.  (whispers to Gohan)  Gohan, I have a great idea.  We can shoot ourselves out of that cannon!  Maybe then we'll land next to someone who has a way to get us to planet Namek!

Gohan:  Oh yeah, Krillen.  What a great idea.  We'll shoot ourselves out of a cannon.

Krillen:  (fails to notice the sarcasm)  I know!  Gohan, you have to make an excuse to Chi-Chi to let us get up.

Gohan:  (sighs)  Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.

Chi-Chi:  All right, dear.

Gohan:  Also, Krillen has to come with me.

Chi-Chi:  All right, dear.

Krillen & Gohan:  (running off)

Krillen:  We'll use stealth and cunning to get on stage and reach the cannon.  Come on, we'll have to sneak past that guard.

Guard:  Oh, hi.  You guys must be in the first act.  You're that guy who always has the bald midget chicks following you around, aren't you?

Krillen:  Um... yes, yes that is me.

Guard:  Okay, just walk on through.

Krillen:  You just want us to walk on through?

Guard:  Yeah, just walk on through onto the stage.  And go do your routine right in front of the cannon, like you're supposed to do.

Krillen:  Yes, yes that's what we'll do.  We'll walk past you and go right over to the cannon like we're supposed to.

Guard:  So hurry up.

Krillen:  Oh, I'll hurry up all right.  Hurry up and send you to Hell!  (punches out the guard)

Gohan:  Wow, you sure fooled him Krillen.

Krillen:  Yes I did.  (they walk onto the stage)

Circus Midget:  Hey, who the hell are you?  You're trying to steal my spotlight, aren't you?  You're trying to impress my mates and steal my position as alpha midget, aren't you?

Krillen:  The position is rightfully mine!

Gohan:  Uh, Krillen...

Circus Midget:  You cannot defeat me!  I am the greatest warrior on Earth!  (does a backwards flip through a flaming hoop, landing on top of a small wooden pole)

Krillen:  (casually ki blasts the circus midget into oblivion)  Come on, to the cannon!

Chi-Chi:  Hey, it doesn't look like they're going to the bathroom.

Krillen:  Quickly, climb in!  (he and Gohan get in the cannon)

Chi-Chi:  Oh, wait, maybe they are.

Krillen:  I'll light the fuse with a ki blast.  (does so)

Chi-Chi:  Wait.  That's not the bathroom, that's a cannon!

The cannon fires and they fly up into the air.

Bulma:  Okay, I'm just about to land this ship and go get Krillen and Gohan, who are in the circus below, and whom I want to take with me to planet Namek, because...

Krillen & Gohan:  (smash onto one of the windows of the ship)

Bulma:  (screams)

Krillen:  Bulma!  Let us in!

Bulma:  (opens the window, letting them slide in)  Okay... what the hell?

Gohan:  Wow, that was the zaniest thing that ever happened to me!

Chi-Chi:  (flying upwards)  Kill!

Bulma:  Quickly, Bulma, Chi-Chi is after us!  We must clear the atmosphere!

Bulma:  Got it!  (pushing a bunch of random buttons)

The ship is flying upwards away from the planet Earth, but Chi-Chi is gaining on it...

Krillen:  Shit!  Shit!  We aren't gonna make it!

End Episode Ten

On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, Krillen Gohan and Bulma will either escape from Chi-Chi and leave the Earth, or they will all be killed horribly by her and the series will pretty much be over.  Also, Gokou and company will enter the mountains of Peril and retrieve the seventh Dragon Ball of King Kai's planet.  It's gonna be so exciting, you won't be able to breathe!  You'll sit at your chair in front of your computer, literally unable to breathe, clawing at the screen while trying desperately to take in air, but to no avail, and thinking to yourself "Please!  Please make it less exciting!  For the love of god in heaven, if you have any human decency, writer of this story, make it less exciting, because I can't breathe!  God please, I can't die yet!"  But I can't hear your desperate prayers, and the episode continues to be unbrethably exciting.  And then you'll start to feel dizzy and faint, and things will start to go black, and you'll think of your family... your wonderful family.  You never really appreciated them.  If only you could tell them you love them... one... last... time.........

 
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