Episode Three
"Training and Stuff"
In the last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite,
I ate up a good chunk episode with a long sequence of Nappa and Vegeta
fidgeting instead of making any actual jokes. Will I think of a similar
scheme this time? Find out in this exiting episode of Dragon Ball
Z Rewrite!
A far off alien world. One of the strongest
warriors in the universe sits in wait for his next conquest.
Vegeta: (sitting in his room, holding a
Sailor Moon action figure, speaking in a squeaky voice) Stop right
there! How dare you say Vegeta isn't a Super Saiyan! Now I,
Sailor Moon, will punish you! (holding a Nappa action figure)
No! I'm sorry! I'm just a stupid idiot, and I'm bald, and I'm
not a Super Saiyan like Vegeta! Please forgive me! (holding
a SS Vegeta action figure) You've disrespected me long enough!
Kill him, my hero Sailor Moon! (holding Sailor Moon again)
I fight for love and justice! (points its hand at Nappa) And
that means you! (suddenly goes red in the face as he realizes his
mistake) Argh! I said Nappa was love and justice! I MESSED
UP AGAIN! (he punches his bed, breaking it in half) I HATE
it when I do that. (suddenly he perks up as he gets an idea)
I know! I'll destroy all the Sailor Moon action figures in the universe!
THEN NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO PLAY SAILOR MOON BETTER THAN ME! (laughing
insanely)
Nappa: (walks in) Vegeta, I-
Vegeta: How dare you enter my quarters without
knocking! I should kill you on the spot! But listen, I have
an evil plan! We must go destroy all the-
Nappa: Vegeta, this is important.
Vegeta: Grr... what?
Nappa: Raditz is dead.
Vegeta: I don't care.
Nappa: But before he died, he transmitted
a message that there are these things on Earth called Dragon Balls that
can grant the user any one wish! We have to go get them!
Vegeta: ANY wish?
Nappa: That's right! We can have anything
we want!
Vegeta: HA HA HA! I CAN WISH ALL THE
SAILOR MOON ACTION FIGURES BESIDES MINE OUT OF EXISTENCE!
Nappa: ..........................Huh?
Vegeta: Or for immortality. Or something.
Nappa: Rrrrriiiiight. Let's go.
Meanwhile, on far off planet Earth, all the
world's greatest warriors are meeting in one place, at the house of God,
to train for their greatest challenge yet.
Yamucha: Hi Krillen.
Krillen: Hey Yamucha. Have you seen
God or the others?
Yamucha: Naw, haven't seen 'em yet.
Kami: (walks out seemingly from nowhere)
Yamucha, Krillen...
Krillen: Heya, God.
Yamucha: Hi Kami. What's up?
Kami: (shakes his head) I get no respect
anymore. I'm fricking GOD you know!
Krillen: (shrugs)
Kami: It just isn't fair. People used
to respect and fear me. Now I'm just like... like some green guy.
People have even been trying to KILL me.
Yamucha: Wha??
Kami: Well, in video games.
Krillen & Yamucha: (sigh)
Kami: Seriously! Like in Final Fantasy
Tactics. And Xenogears. Oh, they really make a big deal about
their precious "religious symbolism" in that game. Killing me is
becoming more cliché than orcs and wizards. (shakes head sadly)
Krillen: Yeah, that's tough. But listen.
Have you seen (clenches his fist) Chouzu? He looks around warily.
Kami: Wait a minute. No. You
guys aren't still gonna do THAT are you?
Krillen: Starts walking off looking for
Chouzu.
Kami: Hey this is an emergency! It's
no time for- grr... you aren't listening to me! (sobs)
I'm God!
Tien and Chouzu: (flying, they land down
next to the other three)
Chouzu: Well, if it isn't Krillen.
Tien: Wait, you said you wouldn't-
Chouzu: Quiet. There's no stopping
this.
Krillen: Chouzu... I've waited long.
Finally we can settle this. (he and Chouzu start circling each other)
Yamucha: Huh? What's going on.
Kami: (adopts a sagely mannerism)
Well, you see Yamucha, Krillen and Chouzu are both bald midgets.
Yamucha: So? So what?
Krillen: (suddenly lunges at Chouzu)
Chouzu: (dodges out of the way)
Krillen: (spins around, mouth foaming.
He bites into Chouzu's shoulder)
Chouzu: Aarrgh! (roaring with rage,
he claws at Krillen's eyes)
Kami: Well, Yamucha, in bald midget society
there can only be one "Alpha bald midget." That is the most powerful
male. The Alpha midget leads the group, and mates with the females,
ensuring the only the most powerful genes get passed on to the next generation.
It's the way of things.
Yamucha: So... they're trying to get laid!?
Kami: Krillen and Chouzu are competing males.
They must fight until the death, or until one is able to cow the other
into submission. That is the only way to determine who is the Alpha
midget.
Krillen: (his teeth are locked onto Chouzu's
shoulder, and he is sinking them deeper and deeper into his flesh)
Chouzu: (able to twist around, he kicks
Krillen hard between the legs)
Krillen: (wincing in pain, his teeth let
go of their deadly grip on Chouzu. The two of them move apart again.)
Chouzu: (holding his hands out in front
of him like claws, posed to strike)
Krillen: (likewise, his opponent's fresh
blood drips from his teeth)
Kami: It may seem harsh, but it is the way
of things. Nature can be like that sometimes. Krillen and Chouzu
are the most powerful males on Earth, and they have been competing like
this for years. Both of them want the position of Alpha bald midget
more than anything.
Yamucha: Hey guys, stop it! Seriously,
we have a couple evil aliens to worry about! You guys have gotta
hold off on this until a later time! It's too important!
Kami: Yamucha, if they aren't willing to
listen to me, their GOD, I don't think-
Chouzu: I guess he's right.
Krillen: Yes, we'll have our match after
this other problem is taken care of. (he wipes the blood from his
mouth)
Kami: (cries)
Meanwhile, blazing like a comet, Chi-Chi streaks
over mountains and forests in search... of Gokou.
Chi-Chi: (suddenly spots a town below.
Smiling evilly, she stops in mid-air, and then flies downward)
In the town, two guards are standing watch
on a corner, talking to each other.
Guard 1: Hey, what's that macaroni necklace
you're wearing?
Guard 2: Oh, this? My daughter made
this for me.
Guard 1: (smiles) She's so cute.
How old is she now?
Guard 2: Six. Isn't it great that
in only a week I'll be retiring and will get to spend all the time I want
with my family?
Guard 1: Sure is.
Guard 2: (takes out his wallet, which contains
pictures of his family) And also, my older daughter is about to graduate
college.
Guard 1: Wow, little Jenny sure grew up
fast.
Guard 2: (smiles) And it's my anniversary
with my loving wife Margaret this week. We're going to celebrate
30 great years and be so happy. Yessir, the future's sure looking
bright for me.
Guard 1: That's great.
Guard 2: And we just got a puppy too.
And I'm almost finished writing my novel. And my car is really, really
clean right now.
Guard 1: Uh huh. (looks up into the
sky) Hey, what is that thing?
Guard 2: Looks like some sort of a fireball!
Guard 1: It's... it's coming right for us!!
Guard 2: (drops his wallet on the ground)
Chi-Chi: (blazing with white-hot flames,
she touches down on the ground next to the two guards)
Guards 1 & 2: (they pull out their guns)
Guard 1: Sweet God! Who... or what
are you! Stay right there or I'll shoot!
Chi-Chi: Don't EVER threaten me, little
man. (she punches guard 1, and her fist flies straight through his
stomach and out his back. She licks her lips evilly, as he slides
off her arm and lands in a slump on the ground below)
Guard 2: Oh... oh my God! My best
friend Bill!
Chi-Chi: (picks guard 2 up by the collar)
Have you happened to see Gokou around here?
Guard 2: I... I... what's a Gokou?
I don't know! Please! Please don't kill me!
Chi-Chi: If you don't know, I have no use
for you. (she casually disintegrates him with a small energy blast,
and walks off into the town)
Camera tilts down, and we see the wallet open
on the pavement, with the picture of guard 2 and family facing us.
Chi-Chi: (walking through the streets, she
comes upon another man) You! (she points to him)
Man: Huh?
Chi-Chi: Where is Gokou?
Man: What are you talking about? Crazy
lady.
Chi-Chi: Fool! (using an energy blast,
she destroys him and a large building that was behind him)
A few guards have noticed the commotion, and
run out from a corner. They start shooting at her.
Chi-Chi: (casually blasts them into oblivion)
Grr. (she flies upward, up above the town. Then, in a booming
voice which all the town can hear) ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF THIS TOWN.
I AM LOOKING FOR MY HUSBAND GOKOU. IF ANY OF YOU KNOW OF HIS WHEREABOUTS,
COME FORTH NOW. I CAN AND WILL DESTROY YOU ALL IF YOU REFUSE TO BE
HELPFUL.
The whole town is in an uproar by now.
The entire city guard is being mobilized to attack Chi-Chi. They
position themselves below her, and start firing guns and rocket launchers.
Chi-Chi: HA HA HA. PUNY FOOLS.
(she destroys them all rather quickly)
Finally, a single man in a brown coat below
her yells out.
Man: Hey! I wish to speak with you!
Chi-Chi: (floats down to the ground, landing
in front of the man. The crown moves backwards around her, and the
man is sweating profusely)
Man: I am the mayor of this town.
Chi-Chi: Where is Gokou?
Mayor: I don't know a Gokou. But we
can give you anything you want. Money, anything!
Chi-Chi: I only want my husband. And
my son.
Mayor: If... if you want a man... take Steve
here! (he grabs a random man from the crowd and shoves him towards
her)
Chi-Chi: I WANT NO STEVE! (she whacks
him backhanded into a building) You have all been very unhelpful.
(she flies into the sky)
Crowd: "Is that it?" "Is she gone?"
"Is it really over?"
Chi-Chi: (high above the town, she looks
down at it.) Impudent fools. They'll pay for this. (she
points her hand downward, and with a huge blast, utterly destroys the town
and everything in it) Hm. (mockingly) It's okay, I can
see their parachutes. (laughs maniacally, flying off towards the
horizon)
But Gokou was not to be found, for he was far
away. In... the afterlife.
Gokou: Well, being dead doesn't really feel
that much different from being alive.
Kami: (appears) Yeah, but you have
to come back to life to save your friends.
Gokou: But I was thinking. If everyone
dies, that just means they'll be here like me. In a place that's
exactly like the living world except better, and where you can never die,
and where we can live in peace forever, and...
Kami: Enough.
Gokou: What?
Kami: Dying is bad.
Gokou: But-
Kami: It just is.
Gokou: But-
Kami: SILENCE! I'm God!
Gokou: (sighs)
Kami: Now... you must go train with some
guy here in the afterlife. He's the best martial artist ever, except
for all the guys who are better than him.
Gokou: Cool!
Kami: His name is King Kai. He's also
a God. In fact... he's my boss.
Gokou: Boss? Heh.
Kami: What?
Gokou: He's a better God than you, huh?
Kami: Not better! Just... stronger
and more powerful in every way, and on a higher position of the hierarchy
than me.
Gokou: So you're like a really weak God,
huh?
Kami: Quiet. (sniff)
Gokou: Weak God, weak God, ha ha ha ha!
Kami: (Crying) I'm not weak!
Gokou: Don't be such a crybaby! So
how do I get to this King Kai guy?
Kami: (sob) You'll have to go over this
impossibly long thing, snake way (sniff) It'll take forever.
Gokou: (sigh) All right, if I have
to.
Kami: Well, get going.
Gokou: Bye. (runs off)
Kami: I probably should have told him he
could just walk through that door instead of going all the way through
snake way, but he was a real asshole. Heh heh. Sure hope he
makes it in time to save his friends. Heh heh heh.
Random passerby: You're a real jerk, Kami.
Meanwhile, at the Piccolo residence
Piccolo: ... so that's why I have to train
you for a year.
Gohan: Okay. So... let's start.
Piccolo: Sure. Okay. First I'll
teach you... how to punch. Now watch carefully. (he punches
a rock, and it cracks into pieces)
Gohan: Cool! Let me try. (he
lightly touches a rock with his fingers. Nothing happens.)
Piccolo: No, no, no. Not like that.
That wasn't punching, that was touching. Do it with your fist closed,
and harder.
Gohan: Okay. (he closes his fist...
around a small rock, and picks it up) Like this?
Piccolo: No, that was picking up.
Gohan. Oh.
Piccolo: (looks at his watch) I guess
that's enough for today. Let's get something to eat.
Piccolo and Gohan are at a baseball game
A fly ball comes out towards them, but it goes
over their heads.
Piccolo: (flies up and catches it)
Here you go Gohan.
Gohan: Yay!
Throwing a frisbee in the park
Piccolo: Catch it Gohan! (throws the frisbee)
Gohan: (it flies over his shoulder, and
he seems to miss it)
Piccolo: That's okay.
Gohan: (holds it up, having caught it with
his tail. Giggles.)
Piccolo: Oh, you.
Sitting in front of a TV together
Man on TV: Dude, you couldn't pick up that
chick if you had a forklift.
Audience: (laughs)
Piccolo & Gohan: (laugh)
Piccolo reading Gohan a story in bed
Piccolo: ...and they lived happily ever
after.
Gohan: Yay! I want another one!
Piccolo: Nope, time to go to bed.
(tucks Gohan in) Good night. (turns off the light)
Gohan: I love you mister Piccolo.
Piccolo: (a tear comes to his eye as he
walks out of the room.) I really should be training him, but... oh
well.
End Episode Three
On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite,
I'll butcher the story line even more as all the characters continue training.
And by continue training, I mean start training, as no actual training
went on in this episode despite the title "Training and Stuff." But
who will stop Chi-Chi from destroying more innocent lives in her quest
for revenge against her temporarily deceased husband? Find out in
the next exiting episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, "People actually
train this time (maybe)" |