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  Ted the fanboy is sitting in his room, putting the final touches on his masterpiece message board post.

Ted:  (typing)
 

...really stupid!  FUNimation?  They should be called DUMBimation!  They completely ruined the ART of Dragon Ball Z!  When they have people say "next dimension" instead of "dead" that's just like putting a pair of pants on the Mona Lisa or something!  I think everyone at BADimation are gay fags that like to suck gay cocks all day long!  People who watch the dub are stupid idiots who have never seen the real show and everyone at CRAPimation should be slowly tortured for three weeks and then publicly executed!  They are corporate sellouts who only care about money!  Death to FAGimation!!!!

Please check out my hentai site!

sUpErSaIyAjIn tEd  ^_^
 

Ted:  Heh heh.  FAGimation.  Check mate world of comedy.  Check mate.  (looks around his room)

Ted's room is littered with Dragon Ball Z merchandise.  His computer is covered with stickers all over, he has dragon Ball Z sheets on his bed, action figures set up in intricate poses throughout the room, his extensive video game library in the corner contains every japanese DBZ game ever made (he learned to speak Japanese to help him play them), there are discarded bottles of Dragon Ball Z juice, and in his closet sits one full sized Vegeta love doll.

Ted:  Staring at that computer screen to type that three page post sure did made my eyes tired.  (takes out and uses his imported Dragon Ball Z eye drops)  That's better!  I feel like my eyes are infused with Super-Saiyajin power!  There are no DBZ eye drops here in America.  (sits down on his bed, sulking, he looks out the window to see his 8 year old next door neighbor Timmy playing with his own American made Dragon Ball Z action figures on the sidewalk)

Timmy:  (picks up Vegeta)  I'm going to send you to the next dimension!  (picks up Krillen)  No!  Eternal Dragon, hear my howl!

Ted:  (shakes head sadly)  Poor dub watcher.  He will never know the incredible glory of the one and only REAL Dragon Ball Z.  He'll never see the best piece of anime ART ever created in the history of mankind.  No one understands.  (picks up his Cell action figure)  But you understand, don't you Cell?  You're my only friend.  (sighs)  If only FUNimation didn't exist, and DBZ had been translated by someone who cared about the integrity of the art.

Gokou:  (suddenly appears out of nowhere)  You'd like that, huh?

Ted:  HOLY SWEET DENDE!  It's Gokou!  I probably shouldn't have taken all those Dragon Ball Z cough drops.

Gokou:  I'm not the REAL Gokou.  I'm your guardian angel.  Your deranged mind has chosen to see me in this form for some reason.

Ted:  Guardian angel?  KICK ASS!  Does this mean you're going to take me to some alternate universe where FUNimation never was and Dragon Ball Z was uncensored, just because I casually mentioned that I would like that?

Gokou:  You bet.

Ted:  Yeah!  (runs over to Gokou and hugs him)

Gokou:  Um... no need for that.

Ted:  Okay.  So, like, take me.

Gokou:  I am.

Ted:  .............................well?

Gokou:  We're here.

Ted:  That was it?

Gokou:  Yeah.  Did you think your room would look any different?

Ted:  So... in this world, DBZ was translated RIGHT?

Gokou:  Sure was.  In fact, I think there's an episode on right now.  (turns on the TV)

Dodoria (on TV):  Now I will murder small children!  [ZAP!]  Ha ha!  Die little green boy!

Dende (on TV):  On no!  My brother was brutally murdered by evil fat pink alien!  That made me sad!

Ted:  Yeah!  They actually kept that scene in!  And the voices are good too!

Gokou:  It's utterly uncut.

Ted:  I bet everyone loves DBZ this way!  It must be a big hit!

Gokou:  Let's just see how big a hit it is.  Instantaneous movement!

They suddenly appear before some sort of a large protest

Ted:  Huh?  What's this?

People are holding up signs reading "Dragon Ball Z is the work of SATAN (Japan)", "DBZ destroys young minds", "Think of the children", "DBZ causes skin cancer", etc.

Ted:  What's going on?  It almost seems like these people don't... LIKE the uncut version!

Gokou:  They don't like it at all, Ted.  These people are members of the organization P.A.A.T.I.G., Parents Against All That Is Good.  They're a group of "responsible parents" who make the world a better place to live for their offspring by attempting to destroy all that offends them.  As soon as the uncut Dragon Ball Z premiered here, they started a campaign against it.  Their goal:  to have all Dragon Ball Z related material in the U.S. destroyed, and all those they found in possession of it slowly tortured for three weeks and then publicly executed.

Ted:  Eep.  But... these crazies will never succeed in their goal.  Who cares what some idiots think?

Gokou:  Hate to tell you, but they already have succeeded.  That law in in effect at this very moment.

Ted:  Huh??  But... on the TV...

Gokou:  The show we watched as an illegally owned tape you purchased off the black market.  All your merchandise is the same.  You would be in big trouble if anyone ever knew you had that stuff.  In fact, the FBI has been tracking you for some time, and already has a lot on you.  All they need is a little more evidence and they'll bust down your door and haul you off.

Ted:  (eyes wide)  But... but... what's this protest for if the law is already passed?

Gokou:  They want the U.S. military to bomb Japan as a retaliatory strike.

Ted:  WHAT?!

Gokou:  (shrugs)  They're expected to get their way any week now.

Ted:  This... this is horrible.

Gokou:  And now, let's take a look at something a little closer to home.  Instantaneous Movement!

They appear inside a house.

Ted:  Hey, this is my next door neighbors' house.  Hey, that's Timmy.  What the...

Timmy is imprisoned inside some sort of a glass tube in the living room.  He is sitting on a wooden chair (the only thing in there with him) and looking bored.

Ted:  What the hell is this?  Why is Timmy in there?

Gokou:  Timmy's parents happened to catch him watching an episode of Dragon Ball Z before it was banned.  They walked in to see him watching a cartoon with spouting blood.  Now he stays in there all day, because they want to protect him.  He sees a psychologist three times a week, and he only gets to come out to do his homework, read the Bible each night, and once a week they'll let him play.  With supervision of coarse.

Ted:  (shakes his head sadly)  Maybe I shouldn't ask, but what does he play with if not Dragon Ball Z toys?

Gokou:  Let's go up to his room and see.  (they walk up a flight of stairs, and and into a hallway.  He opens a door on the left, revealing Timmy's room.)

The room is covered all over, with... Pokemon merchandise.

Ted:  NOOOOOOOOOO!!

Pikachu toy with flashing red cheeks:  Pika!  Pika!

Ted:  Gokou!  I was wrong!  I'm sorry I said all those mean things about FUNimation!  They're not bad!  Please take me back to the real world, where I can watch my fansubs in peace!  It's a wonderful life!

Gokou:  Hmmmm.  (deep in thought)  No.  Sorry.  You can stay here, fanboy.  (disappears)

Ted:  (calmly walks out of Timmy's room, closing the door behind him.  He walks down the hall into Timmy's parents' room, where he takes a loaded gun from Timmy's father's dresser.  A single tear touches his cheek as he blows his brains out)

Gokou:  (reappears)  Just kidding!  Oops.  Hmmm... I guess he sent himself to... THE NEXT DIMENSION!  Hahaha.  I kill me.  (disappears)

And now, on to the real episode!

Episode Five
"The Next Dimension"

On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, absolutely nothing of any importance happened at all.  Will something happen this time?  Find out on this exiting episode of... Dragon Ball Z Rewrite!

Gokou is running along Snake Way, attempting to reach the secluded home of the great King Kai so that he can train with him and be powerful enough to defeat the Saiyans who are at this very moment traveling towards the planet Earth.

Gokou:  Ironically, if I hadn't died, I wouldn't have been able to get this training, and then when the Saiyans came I would almost definitely lose.  Dragon Ball Z is the first series where death is not only something utterly superficial and temporary which there is no reason to fear, but it's actually a GOOD thing.  Hey, who am I talking to?  Oh well.  (continues running along)

Suddenly, the sky goes dark, and a booming voice is heard from the heavens.

Voice:  GOKOU.

Gokou:  Woah.  Who are you.  ANOTHER God?

Voice:  SO TO SPEAK.  I'M SOME RANDOM GUY, THE WRITER OF THIS STORY.

Gokou:  Woah.  You're going to do that thing where you, the writer, speak directly to the characters in the story?  Since when is that funny?

Some Random Guy:  (sighs)  I DON'T CARE.  THE TRUTH IS, GOKOU, I'VE BEEN TRYING AND FAILING TO THINK OF SOMETHING FUNNY TO DO WITH YOU SINCE THE END OF EPISODE 3.  I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO THINK OF ANY WAY TO MAKE FUN OF EITHER OF THE TWO FILLER EPISODES OF YOU ON SNAKE WAY.  EITHER THE ONE WHERE YOU FALL INTO HELL AND ESCAPE BY RUNNING UPWARDS THROUGH A DESK, OR THE COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL ONE WHERE SOME LADY IN A PALACE TRIES TO SEDUCE YOU AND SHE ENDS UP REALLY BEING A GIANT SNAKE.  OR ELSE THE PALACE WAS THE SNAKE.  OR SOMETHING.

Gokou:  No no, you see the whole thing was just an illusion.  The big snake eats me and and then it tries to make me fall in love with it so... hey, that one really did make no sense.  Anyway, I think you just did make fun of those episodes.

Some Random Guy:  YEAH, BUT I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH JOKES TO MAKE A WHOLE SEGMENT ABOUT YOU.

Gokou:  Oh, I see.  Okay then, why not just skip ahead to King Kai.  Surely you can think of something funny to say about that zany blue catfish god.

Some Random Guy:  YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA DO THAT.  TOO BAD THOUGH.  I JUST KNOW BY THE TIME I SIT DOWN TO WRITE EPISODE 6 I'M GONNA HAVE TONS OF JOKES ABOUT YOU GOING TO HELL.

Gokou:  Oh well.  Bye then.

Some Random Guy:  BYE.

Gokou:  Oh, and Some Random Guy?

Some Random Guy:  WHAT?

Gokou:  Don't do that talking directly to the characters thing again.  It's really unprofessional.

Some Random Guy:  SORRY.

Gokou:  (running along)  Hey, would you look at that!  I think I see a tiny plant up there in the air a bit down the road!  I must be here!  That sure took quicker than expected.  (snickers)  Well, I guess I'll just jump up there.  (jumps up and lands on the planet)  On no!  It's all heavy here and stuff!  (struggling to stand)  Sweet God no!  This planet has THREE TIMES Earth's gravity!  If I weigh 200 pounds on earth, I way 600 pounds here!  This seems to be too heavy to move around, even though I'm capable of destroying a planet pretty easily and can probably lift a few tons in one hand without breaking a sweat.

King Kai:  (steps in)  Hello there!  You must be here to train!

Gokou:  Yeah.  I have a few months to become approximately a bazillion times better a fighter than I am now so I can save the world.

King Kai:  Okay.  I'll make bad jokes and you can brutalize my zany anthropomorphic animal friends.  This will inexplicably teach you new attacks.

Gokou:  Good plan!

All across the universe, things are all starting to come into place for the greatest confrontation the world had ever seen.

In space, near Earth.

Vegeta:  Nappa!  I'm becoming a Super Saiyan!

Nappa:  (sarcastically)  Yeah, I just bet you are.  It's too bad I can't see you since we're in separate ships and all.

Vegeta:  Yeah, too bad.  I guess I'll have to show off my new SUPER SAIYAN powers for the first time there on Earth.

Nappa:  Yeah, guess so.

Vegeta:  We're almost there right?

Nappa:  Just about.

In Kami's palace.

Tien:  (sparring with Chouzu inside a large room)  So... I bet those aliens are gonna be, like, really tough.

Chouzu:  Yeah... I bet.  WOAH!  (they both dodge out of the way just in time as a large chandelier comes crashing down.

Krillen:  (floating up by the rope that held the chandelier up)  Oh my god!  Did you guys see that?  That chandelier must have been really unstable!  Someone could have been HURT.  You're not hurt are you?

Chouzu:  (scowls)  No.

Krillen:  (looking disappointed, he flies off)

Tien:  You guys have really gotta stop trying to kill each other.

Chouzu:  It'll all be over soon.  I put a bomb in his car.  Heh heh heh.

Tien:  Ummm... I don't think Krillen has a car.

Chouzu:  He... doesn't?

Tien:  (shakes his head)

Chouzu:  Uh oh.  This could be very embarrassing.  Scuse me for a minute.  (sprints off)

Tien:  (sighs)

At Piccolo's suburban residence.

Piccolo:  Hmm.  Those aliens are due to be here sometime soon.  I really should start training Gohan or something.

Gohan:  Mr. Piccolo!  Look at this amusing SuperFriends "WUSSUP" commercial I found on the internet!

Piccolo:  Coming.

Above a burning husk of a town, the sixth one Chi-Chi has razed.

Chi-Chi:  Find... Gokou... KILL!

At King Kai's planet.

King Kai:  And now you must... kick Scruffy!  (places a small puppy on the ground)

Scruffy:  (wags his tail and barks happily)

King Kai:  Kicking Scruffy will improve your martial arts skills greatly.

Gokou:  Uh... if you say so.  (kicks the small puppy, sending it far into the air, it becomes a tiny speck and vanishes)

King Kai:  And now you must... choke Fluffy!

Finally, in the center of a large city, the two space pods containing the evil space warriors crash down.

Yamucha:  (sparring with Tien, he gasps)  They're here!

Tien:  Yes.

Chouzu:  About to stab Krillen in the back with a large knife, he abruptly turns around)  Oh no!  They're here!

Krillen:  (spins around, seeing Chouzu)  Hey!

Elsewhere

Piccolo:  (eyes wide) They're here!  Gohan!

Gohan:  What?

Piccolo:  They're here!  Those Sailor Moon fansubs we ordered are finally here!

Gohan:  Oh boy!  I want to be just like Sailor Moon!

Piccolo:  Uhh... (gasp)  Oh no, the Saiyans have arrived!

Elsewhere

Kami:  (communicating telepathically)  Gokou, they're here!  The Saiyans have arrived.

Gokou:  King Kai!  The Saiyans are here!

King Kai:  Great.  So now you'll get wished back and go easily kill them.  Oh yeah, and it will take a day for you to run back to Earth, thereby allowing time for all the others to fight ineffectually before you come in and single-handedly save the day.

Gokou:  WHAT?!

King Kai:  (shrugs)  More dramatic that way.

Elsewhere

Nappa:  (stepping out of his space pod)  We're here.

Vegeta:  I can see that, you idiot.

Nappa:  I was just being dramatic.  You know, like how every time someone is hit they get covered in smoke, and then when it clears they're not really dead.

Vegeta:  You're not too bright, are you Nappa?

Nappa:  I've noticed you're still not a Super Saiyan.

Vegeta:  Well I was for a little while.

End Episode Five

On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z rewrite, the battle finally begins, and everyone screams the names of their attacks before executing them for some strange reason.  All of the characters will demonstrate how utterly useless they are, and Gokou will have to save them.  Also, Piccolo, who like all the Dragon Ball villains has seen the value of kindness and honor and turned good, will make a touching sacrifice and save Gohan's life.  I just gave away everything that really happens, so you might as well not even bother watching the next exiting episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, "Everyone dies, but that's okay"

 
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