Archmage - 12 Days of Christmas
December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must
insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for
each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all
those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What
kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and
they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking,
but they had to bring their own goddamn cows. There is shit all over the
lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag
December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And
Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since
they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all
over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to
do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned
"ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran
through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234
of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I
hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With
this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
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