DBZ Movie Rewrite
A scene is shown of a dark laboratory, with lots of little glass
vials, computer equipment, and other science stuff. An unknown man
in a white lab coat toils away, manipulating levers and buttons, and cackling
evilly.
Unknown Man: Uwaa haa haa! I am putting the final touches
on my secret weapon now! And once it is complete, I will destroy
the Z fighters! For some reason. (pushes a final button)
Yes! It is done!
A cover over a large man-sized glass tube at the center of the room
slowly lifts up. As it does, it can be seen that a human being is
immersed in the tube. As the opaque cover passes the top of the legs,
two things are revealed. One, there is a metal ring inexplicably
placed in the center of the tube which handily covers up the man's sexual
organs. And two, he has a tail! The cover continues
to rise, revealing a muscled chest, and as it finally reaches the head,
it can be seen that... oh my god... no... it's... it's BROLLY! AGAIN!
Unknown Man: And now that I have cloned Brolly... I will use my
mind control helmet and use him as a living weapon! (picks up the
mind control helmet from the table next to him, and starts laughing evilly)
Ha ha ha ha ha... wait. (looks back and forth between the mind control
helmet in his hand, and Brolly in the tube)
Brolly: (looking annoyed)
Unknown Man: Shit. I knew I forgot something.
Brolly: (looking angry)
Unknown Man: Oh well, he can't escape. That is three
inches of plastic! He could never break through that.
Scene changes to view outside secret hidden laboratory.
A huge explosion engulfs the area.
Brolly: (flying away from the crater he just made. He is
still naked.)
Unknown Man: (though he is standing in the center of what could
be a nuclear detonation, he seems virtually unharmed, just a bit burned.)
No... he's... escaping. (falls down)
Cue dramatic music
DBZ Rewrite Movie
"It's that wacky zany Brolly again!"
Scene opens at some sort of a barbecue, with all the major DBZ characters
attending.
Bulma: It's the Son family barbecue! And we are all here!
Gohan: We know Bulma. We know what this is. Quit saying
that. It was weird the first time you did it, but now it's getting
downright creepy.
Bulma: Well it is the Son family barbecue! (walks off with
a pissed off expression on her face)
Videl: (walks up to Gohan, eating a hamburger) Wow Gohan,
your mom sure is a good cook.
Gohan: Yeah. And she's being really nice to everyone tonight,
too. It seems like ever since I was a child she and my dad have been
trying to kill each other.
Gokou: Now I will comically eat a large amount of food.
Much more than people normally eat. It will be very funny.
(comically eats a large amount of food)
Chi-Chi: Oh, Gokou.
Everyone: Oh, Gokou.
Goten: (tugs on Chi-Chi's shirt) Hey mom, where is Trunks?
I want to play with him.
Chi-Chi: I think he's over there, sparring with Vegeta.
Future Trunks: (sparring with Vegeta with his sword) Gee
dad, you sure are a nice guy. I'm glad I got to come back in time
and meet you.
Vegeta: Hey son, look at this! (goes Super Saiyan)
Since this takes place much farther along in the plot than where DBZ Rewrite
has reached, I really am a Super Saiyan now!
Trunks: Um... yeah. Pretty much everyone is. Quit
showing me every ten minutes.
Vegeta: No, seriously. I am THE LEGENDARY SUPER SAIYAN!
For real now! I'm not even kidding! Isn't that just the coolest?
Goten: (runs up to Trunks) Trunks, lets go play!
Trunks: Okay, kiddo. I'll play with you. I bet I can
fly faster! (flies off)
Goten: No you can't! (goes Super Saiyan, and flies after
Trunks)
Vegeta: ............shut up. JUST SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!
Nappa: (puts his hand on Vegeta's shoulder) I still think
you're the strongest.
Vegeta: Quiet, baldy.
Kami: Hey, do you have something against bald people? I'm
bald you know, and I'm your SUPREME GOD!
All: (laughing)
Krillen: Suuuure you are, Kami. (pats him on the back, accidentally
sending him sprawling into the dirt)
All: (laughing harder)
Kami: (holding back tears) I hate you all. I really
do. (flies off)
Krillen: Aw, is the poor widdow god's feewings huwt? Come
on back... WEAK GOD! Hahahahaha!
Piccolo: Heh heh. Good one Krillen.
Dende: Yeah. Good one.
And so goes the carefree revelry.
But little do they know...
Brolly: (clothed now... somehow) Kill... Kakarot!
(flying around and looking evil, he suddenly stops, and stares directly
at the camera) Hello. For those who don't know me, my name
is Brolly. I'm a frequent villain in the later movies of DBZ.
You know, the ones which haven't been dubbed yet. I know many of
you haven't seen the later parts of DBZ and thus won't get some of the
jokes in the DBZR movie (such as the fact that Future Trunks left way before
Goten was born. You see? The writer is trying to make fun of
the fact that the movies don't fit anywhere in the regular timeline at
all. There'll be a lot of that), but let me try to at least explain
the one about me. First of all, I'm the Legendary Super Saiyan.
This is different than a regular, non-Legendary Super Saiyan like Gokou
and Vegeta and every single other major character on the show. I
don't know how. But luckily, the Legendary Super Saiyan seems to
actually be weaker than a regular one, and they can defeat me every time.
I first appear in movie 8, in which it is revealed that I had a crib next
to Gokou on the Saiyan world as a baby, and was so traumatized by his constant
crying that I went completely insane for the rest of my life, and now live
only for the single purpose of killing him. I know. I know.
Just shut up, though, okay? So, uh, they killed me. But they
didn't really, because I came back in the really lame movie 10, in which
Goten and Trunks and Gohan fought me for a little while, and then Gokou
saved them all and defeated me, even though he was dead at the time.
And then they put me in there again in movie 11, in which I was a big purple
sludgy thing which could be defeated by splashing water on it. Now
I'm back again, and I've once again been cloned by some idiot. Using
the bad sci-fi definition of clone, of course, which is an exact replica
of the original including age and memories. Are you all up to speed?
Good. Now, as I was saying... KAKAROT! KILL!
Kami: (flying along, crying softly) Damn them... I... I...
I hate them. I hate them all. How can they be so mean?
(spots Brolly) Hey, what the--
Brolly: KILL KAKA-- um, KILL GREEN GUY. I guess.
Kami: (stands still, with an exasperated look on his face)
Aw, geez. COME ON! Again? What the hell? Him AGAIN?
Seriously. What the HELL! Fine. I don't care. I
don't even care. Just go ahead and kill me. This is a movie
anyway, nothing important can happen. I'll just get wished back.
And I really don't want to be alive for the rest of this thing. So
please, just go ahead and kill me.
Brolly: (looks confused for a second, and then flies off)
Kakarot...
Kami: Fuck you too. (sighs) I guess I should warn
the others or something. But... (remembers how they made fun of him)
...maybe I'll just wait for a little while. Heh heh heh.
In a small nearby town
Man: Oops. Honey, I accidentally used the hair gel instead
of shampoo.
Woman: (man's wife) Again?
Man: Yeah. Now it sticks up in big spikes and stuff.
Woman: I guess you'll just have to go to work like that.
Man: (sighs) I know. It was hard enough to explain
the first time I did it, but now it's starting to become a running joke
around the office. They call me "freaky hair guy." And they
make all sorts of little quips like "Hey freaky hair guy. Why's your
hair so freaky?" Damn them and their cruel wit!
Woman: I think we should just get rid of the hair gel.
Man: But I might need it!
A while later, the man is walking to work.
Little Girl: (recoils from the sight on his hair, into her mother's
arms) Mommy, what's that?
Woman: It's okay! It'll be okay! Just don't look!
(holding her tight)
Little Girl: (crying)
Teenager: Hey freaky hair guy! Did it again, huh?
Man: Shut up.
Brolly: (flying above, he spots the man, and notices... the familiar
hair) KAKAROT! (moving at incredible speed, he flies down)
Man: (looks up at the gigantic man flying towards him) Ooookaaayy...
[splat]
Brolly: (effortlessly crushes the man with one swipe of
his fist) Must find... MORE KAKAROTS TO KILL! (sees another
man)
Other Man: I can't believe I used the hair gel instead of shampoo
AGAIN! What the-- [splat]
Later...
News Anchorman: This just in, a flying blond muscled guy is reportedly
running flying around the city indiscriminately slaughtering men who put
hair gel into their hair instead of shampoo!
News Anchorwoman: Ted, this is just awful! How could anyone
do such a thing? It's such a tragedy.
Ted: I think the bigger question, Judy, is physically how
could anyone do such a thing? A guy with super strength that can
fly? It's like superman gone bad!
Judy: Um... yes.
Ted: Seriously! SUPERMAN! Gone BAD!
Judy: Yeah, we heard you.
Ted: I mean because--
Judy: Shut up Ted.
At Gokou's house.
Piccolo: (watching TV while others eat a chat around him)
Ha ha ha ha. What will those characters get into next? (turns
the channel)
Ted (on TV): The man is reportedly flying around downtown Generic
City causing random destruction and growling something about carrots.
Just like if he was SUPERMAN! Gone BAD! Here is some footage.
Piccolo: (sighs)
In a short while.
Piccolo: Okay, people. We can't just send out all the strongest
fighters after him at once and overwhelm him with our power that way.
Krillen: Why not?
Piccolo: (ignoring him) I suggest we send a few at a time,
and then when they die the next group gets sent.
Gokou: Sounds sensible to me.
Piccolo: For the first group, let us send Krillen, Master Roshi,
Yajirobe, Bulma, and Lunch.
Krillen: Lunch is still around?
Lunch: (waves at Krillen)
Krillen: Where were you? I haven't seen you in like ten
years.
Lunch: I... (thinking) I'm not... sure...
Downtown Generic City
Bulma: Well, this is the direction Brolly was heading. I
guess all we have to do is stand around here and wait.
Krillen: Yep...
All: (waiting)
Yajirobe: Gee, I sure hope we won't die.
Krillen: I've died a few times. Not really that bad.
Yajirobe: Oh. Yeah.
All: (waiting)
Yajirobe: Hey, Krillen.
Krillen: Yeah?
Yajirobe: I've always wondered. You know when you die and
get wished back with the dragon balls? Well, what happens to your
original body? You know, your corpse.
Krillen: Hmm. I dunno. I guess it stays buried somewhere.
Yajirobe: Hmmm... (thinking) Have you ever thought of, you
know, doing something with it?
All: (stare at Yajirobe)
Yajirobe: Like, purposely kill yourself. Then have someone
else wish you back. And then you would have a spare corpse of yourself.
And you could, like, play pranks with it.
Master Roshi: Pranks?
Bulma: Uh...
Yajirobe: Like, tie a noose around its neck and leave it hanging
somewhere, and then someone would walk in and be all "Krillen! No!"
And you could jump out and be all "Ha ha! Fooled you!"
Lunch: (looking sick)
Yajirobe: Or you could sit the corpse up in a chair, and sit down
in a chair next to it. And someone would see you together and go,
"I'm seeing double!" Or something.
All: (taking a step back from Yajirobe)
Yajirobe: Don't you think it would be a good idea? You could
do all kinds of things with the corpse, and just watch peoples' reactions!
Who wants to do it with me?
Brolly: (just then, he bursts onto the scene) KILL!
KAKAROT! And also kill other people, by the way.
Lunch: I guess I'd better turn to my evil badass blond self.
(puts a feather to her nose, and sneezes) Achoo! (she turns
forms, then looks around herself at her friends and at Brolly.) Heh.
Bye guys. (runs off)
Krillen: Damn it! You're going down, you mean old Super
Saiyan!
Master Roshi: She has nice boobs.
Krillen: It's a GUY!
Master Roshi: It... it is?
Krillen: (attacking Brolly) Ha ha! Eat it! Take
my formerly-bald-midget fists of fury, asshole!
Brolly: (casually swats Krillen)
Krillen: [splat]
Master Roshi: That... that's a MAN? (having a heart attack)
Yajirobe: (suddenly leaps from behind Brolly, and severs his tail
with his sword) Ha HA! Cut off your tail! Now you'll
lose for sure.
Brolly: (not really affected)
Yajirobe: Well shit. Uh... I guess I probably should have
grabbed it or something instead, huh? [splat]
Master Roshi: (on the ground clutching his chest, he breathes
his last breaths)
Bulma: (the only one left, she stares nervously at Brolly)
Heh heh. Heh.
Brolly: (advancing toward her)
Bulma: How did I used to get out of situations like this when
I was younger? Oh yeah, now I remember. Hey Brolly, if you
let me live, I'll let you touch THIS! (opens her shirt, revealing
her sixty-something year old chest)
Brolly: (stares in shock for a moment, and then turns around and
starts throwing up)
Bulma: That wasn't quite the reaction I had in mind.
Brolly: (puking all over the ground)
Bulma: That's really insulting, you know! I'm still beautiful!
I've aged gracefully!
Brolly: (briefly stops, and then resumes puking)
Bulma: (sighs) I'm really depressed now.
Brolly: (flies away in disgust)
Back at Gokou's residence.
Bulma: (walks in)
Gokou: Hey, you're back! You must have killed him!
Bulma: Actually, no. Everyone else died and he spared me.
Piccolo: Oh well. Let's send the next team then. It
will consist of Yamucha, Tien, and Chouzu.
Bulma: (to Vegeta) Honey, I'm still beautiful, right?
Vegeta: Of course you aren't!
Bulma: (staring at him)
Vegeta: I mean... of course you aren't!
Bulma: (still staring at him)
Vegeta: Oops. I meant... of course you aren't! Of
course you ARE! ARE!
Yamucha: (to Piccolo) Hey, why is the next team only us?
You're as weak as we are. You should be on the same team as us.
Piccolo: Not true. Ever since I fused with Kami in the Cell
saga I've been much stronger.
Kami: Yeah.
Piccolo: Hey...
All: (stare at Kami)
Kami: What?
Piccolo: I... fused with you.
Kami: So?
Piccolo: ...
All: ...
Kami: So what?
Piccolo: Seriously, what the hell is going on here?
Kami: Oh, fine. You got me. (rips off a mask to reveal...
Dende)
All: ...
Kami Dende: Fooled you!
All: ...
Piccolo: Whatever. It's time to go fight Brolly.
Evil Scientist: (runs in) Stop!
All: (turn to face him)
Evil Scientist: I have the only thing that can contain Brolly's
power! (holds up the mind control helmet)
Piccolo: Uh... who are you?
Evil Scientist: My name is Doctor Half Empty Can Of Soda.
You can call me Dr. HECOS.
Piccolo: Uh... okay, but who are you?
Dr. Hecos: I'm... (blushes in embarrassment) I'm kind of the one
who cloned Brolly to kill you.
Vegeta: Jesus! What did you go and do that for? Do
we even know you?
Gohan: Yeah! Why do you want to kill us?
Dr. Hecos: Well, I have an undying grudge against you all.
It all goes back to when I was an Evil Science major in college...
Young Dr. Hecos: Well, here I am.
In college.
Woman: (bumps into Hecos, spilling her books
all over) Oops. Damn it!
Hecos: Here, let me help you with that.
(helps her pick up her books)
Woman: Thank you.
Hecos: My name is Half Empty Can of Soda.
Woman: My name is Discarded Empty Bag Of
Doritos.
Hecos: Pleased to meet you, Debod.
So, what's your major?
Debod: I'm a major in Evil Science.
Hecos: What a coincidence! So am I!
Debod: (giggles) Wow! We have
a lot in common!
Muscled man: (walks in) Hey!
Punk! Are you messing with my woman Debod?
Debod: Oh no! My ex-boyfriend Biff!
Hecos: Uh oh. Looks like trouble.
Biff: Okay, asshole, I'm gonna kick your
ass.
Debod: Biff! It's over between us!
Just leave me alone!
Biff: No way! I'm gonna win back your
love by smashing this guy to a pulp!
Debod: Please don't hurt him! He's
so sweet! (standing in front of Hecos)
Hecos: Step aside. I can handle this.
Biff: Prepare to be sent to the next dimension!
(swings at Hecos)
Hecos: (easily dodges, and then hits back,
punches him in the stomach)
Biff: (clutches his chest and falls to the
ground in pain)
Debod: Wow! You won!
Hecos: Yep.
Debod: My hero! (kisses him)
Three other women: (run in) He's so
amazing! (hug Hecos)
Debod: Let's have an orgy!
Three other women: Yeah!
Hecos: Plenty of me to go around, ladies.
Hecos: And that's how I became known as the pimp of Evil Science
College.
All: ...
Hecos: Those were the days.
Piccolo: What does this have to do with us?
Hecos: Huh? Oh, nothing. Cool story though, huh?
All: ...
Hecos: Anyway, this mind control device will allow me to stop
Brolly. All you've got to do is put it on his head.
Piccolo: Why should we trust you? You were going to kill
us.
Hecos: I've turned good for no reason. Swear to god!
Piccolo: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! You
expect us to believe you just turned good for no reason without even having
met
Gohan?
Gohan: And even if he had met me, I'm not even little and cute
anymore.
Piccolo: Yeah.
Hecos: Well, if I'm still evil, all that will happen is Brolly
will kill you all. But if you don't trust me, he'll still kill you
all, only he'll kill everyone else too.
Piccolo: Good. If I die, I want the rest of the world coming
with me.
All: (stare at Piccolo)
Piccolo: I mean... no. I don't.
Gokou: I think we should trust him. Remember how we trusted
Vegeta that one time when it was a really bad idea to? That worked
out.
Vegeta: Yeah. I killed a bunch more people, and then eventually
I sort of turned good. And by good, I mean I no longer kill people
that often.
Gokou: Yeah!
Piccolo: (sighs) Gokou's right. I guess we should
trust him.
Gokou: Great then. Now someone should battle Brolly for
a while, and then after he's been beaten up well enough to stun him or
slow him down, we'll put the thing on his head.
Bulma: Surprisingly, that plan made sense.
Gokou: And I think the one we send to battle him should be an
8 year old boy.
Bulma: (sighs) Surprisingly, that also made sense.
Trunks: Great, I'll fuse with Goten, my friend since childhood
who I am one year older than, and we'll become Gotenks and fight Brolly.
Vegeta: Okay, stop. Which Trunks are you? Are you
Future Trunks or Chibi Trunks?
Trunks: Christ dad, can't you tell by looking at me? You
can't even tell if I'm 8 or 18 years old?
Vegeta: Um, yes. Of course I can tell.
Trunks: Now that that's settled, let's fuse Goten!
Goten: Okay. But first I have to pee.
Piccolo: (sighs) Go over there in those bushes then.
Goten: (walks over behind the bushes and starts taking a piss.
Camera focuses on him for the entire time.)
All: (standing and waiting.)
Goten: Okay, done.
Vegeta: Okay, fuse now.
Trunks: Now I too must pee. (walks behind the same bushes,
and he too takes a piss.)
All: (standing and quietly waiting for the entire time.)
Trunks: Okay, I'm ready to fuse now.
Vegeta: Finally. Now come over here and--
Goten: I wrote my name. (giggles)
Trunks: Yeah, I noticed. (giggles)
Vegeta: (sighs) Is this really important?
Trunks: I wrote mine too. But I had to use the 'T' from
yours.
Goten: Yeah?
Trunks: I wrote my vertically, while yours was horizontal.
It's sort of like a crossword puzzle. You know?
Goten: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Vegeta: Are you ready to fuse yet?
Goten: I want to take a look at it. (walks over behind the
bushes) Oh yeah, I can see.
Some time later, after each has peed three separate times, each one
shown on camera for the entire length...
Goten: Okay, we're ready to do that silly and pointless fusion
dance thing now.
Vegeta: That sequence sure added a lot to this movie, didn't it?
Bulma: Are you being sarcastic?
Vegeta: Uh...
Bulma: Because if you are, I want you to know that I think it
did add a lot to the movie. God knows the best thing about DBZ is
the zany hijinx of the little kids. I especially like it when they
pee. Urination is hilarious!
Vegeta: What did you say your IQ was?
Bulma: 563. Why?
Vegeta: ...
Goten & Trunks: FU-SION!
Gotenks: Now I am an insanely powerful little kid, but I am also
hilariously overconfident and childish. Watch me make wacky quips
and invent crazy attack names while I kick Brolly's ass!
Vegeta: (sarcastically) Oh good, more kid humor.
Bulma: (completely sincere) I know!
Piccolo: Hey wait, I have an even better idea than this.
I have a way we can get this thing on Brolly's head without even having
to endure any more of Goten and Trunks.
Gokou: You do? For the love of god, tell us!
Piccolo: I'll dress up as a girl. And I'll use my womanly
charms to seduce Brolly. And then--
Vegeta: Okay, stop. This is even stupider.
Piccolo: No no, listen. And then after he's thoroughly succumbed
to my feminine wiles, I'll ask him to come back to bed with me. And
when he lifts up my dress... he'll see I'm asexual! And I'll put
the helmet on his head while he's stunned and/or fainted.
Vegeta: Yeah, real good plan Piccolo. I think we all know
which plan we're going to go with, right guys?
In the city.
Piccolo: (wearing a frilly pink dress) Yoo-hoo, big boy.
Gotenks: (watching from a distance with the others) This
sucks.
Piccolo: I'm looking for some Dragon Balls. You look like
you might have some. (wink)
Brolly: Huh huh huh. Kill Kakarot. (advancing towards
Piccolo with a goofy smile on his face)
Piccolo: How'd you like to fly back to my place, you ridiculously
big man you?
Brolly: Kill Kakarot?
Piccolo: You look like you have quite a large... power level.
Brolly: (nods) Kill Kakarot.
Piccolo: Tell me... (whispers in his ear) does all of you go Super
Saiyan?
Brolly: (incredibly excited) Huh huh huh. KILL KAKAROT!
KILL KAKAROT!
Vegeta: (sighs and shakes his head sadly) This series has
really gone downhill, bad. Seriously.
Gotenks: AAAH! I AM THE WHO WHO IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE
ZANY HUMOR! (flies out into the open)
Piccolo: Shit.
Gotenks: Die Brolly! Random string of adjectives punch!
(hits Brolly with a regular punch)
Brolly: (seemingly unharmed) Grr.
Gotenks: Well shit.
Brolly: (smashes Gotenks into the ground, leaving a large crater)
Gotenks: Oh no, his power level seems to have inexplicably gone
up since last time we fought him.
Dr. Hecos: Yes, I think he was training in between the times he
was cloned.
Vegeta: That doesn't make any sense.
Dr. Hecos: That's why I'm a scientist and you're not.
Vegeta: Shut up, puny human! I'm a Super Saiyan!
Dr. Hecos: Who cares? I'm one too. (goes Super Saiyan)
Bulma: (opening a soda can, she accidentally breaks a nail)
Shit! AAAAUGH! (goes Super Saiyan)
Random small child: (to his mother) I want candy!
Why won't you let me have candy?! (goes Super Saiyan)
Bird: (chasing a worm, suddenly it is surrounded by a yellow aura
and its feathers turn gold as it goes Super Saiyan) Tweet!
(flies at incredible speeds and catches the worm)
Vegeta: It-- it can't be!
Gokou: Sorry, Vegeta. You were actually the last living
thing on Earth to go Super Saiyan.
Oolong: Even I'm one. (goes Super Saiyan)
Yamucha: We didn't tell you, because we knew it would make you
mad.
Chouzu: But hey, you did eventually become one! That was
really good! Even if you came in last, I think you should be proud
that you finished the race. You didn't give up, and that makes you
a winner in my book!
Tien: You're right, Chouzu. As long as you don't give up,
you're always a winner! (pats Vegeta on the back)
Vegeta: (weeping)
Gotenks: Ahem. Hello? We're fighting over here.
Enough about my stupid Dad who can't even go Super Saiyan level six yet!
Vegeta: THERE'S A LEVEL SIX?!
Gokou: We didn't want to make you mad...
Brolly: KILL KAKAROT! (lands another hard blow on Gotenks)
Gotenks: (suddenly holds up his hand) Stop, wait!
Brolly: Kill Kakarot?
Gotenks: I have to pee.
Brolly: (sighs) Kill Kakarot...
Gotenks: (walks over behind a bush, and relieves himself once
again)
Brolly: (checking the nonexistent watch on his hand, tapping his
foot impatiently)
Gotenks: Okay, done. Sorry.
Brolly: KILL KAKAROT! (smashes Gotenks hard with two fists)
Gotenks: Ow. (unfuses)
Goten: Uh oh.
Trunks: He's even tougher than those androids were when I faced
them in my alternate future timeline!
Goten & Trunks: (fly off)
Back at Gokou's house...
Piccolo: I still think we should have gone ahead with my plan
anyway.
Vegeta: I couldn't live with myself if we won like that.
Videl: Hey, uh, guys... why don't you just get the Dragon Balls
and wish the thing onto his head?
Gokou: Videl, no. The Dragon Balls aren't to be used for
things like that! Only for raising the dead, wishing back forests
which got burned down, immortality, womens' underwear, boyfriends, wishing
to be taller, that sort of thing. It would be... dishonorable to
use them to help us in a battle.
Vegeta: Screw it! Just use them and get this movie over
with!
Bulma: Wait a minute. Even if we wanted to use them, they're
gone. They disappeared when Kami fused with Piccolo, remember?
All: (muttering to themselves in confusion)
Piccolo: ...but then didn't they come back? I...
Yamucha: ...pretty sure that's not right...
Trunks: ...yeah, I guess, but hasn't anyone used them lately...?
Gokou: ...so confusing...
Gohan: What year is this anyway?
Piccolo: Okay, shut up, just think for a minute. When was
the last time anyone used the Dragon Balls?
Gokou: We used them after the Buu saga, right?
Trunks: Who's Buu?
Videl: You fused with Goten and killed him. Remember?
Trunks: Who's Goten? And who are you?
Vegeta: Okay, let's think. Krillen, are you married?
Krillen: Yes. And I have hair.
Vegeta: That means this must be after the Android Saga, then.
Right?
Krillen: Um... yeah... I guess...
Nappa: Makes sense to me.
Videl: And I'm around, so it must be at least at the beginning
of the Buu saga.
Piccolo: Gohan, are you Mystic yet?
Gohan: I... don't think so.
Piccolo: Okay, so we must be right before Buu came.
Gokou: Then why am I alive?
All: ...
Vegeta: Maybe you're not.
Gokou: Woah, that was a really creepy thought. What if,
like, all of us were dead? And we didn't even know it?
All: ...
Vegeta: Okay, so you're alive. We're probably after Buu.
Gohan, you must be Mystic.
Gohan: I'm not.
Trunks: Is anyone gonna tell me who Buu is?
Vegeta: You know who he is! You're Chibi Trunks, not Future
Trunks!
Trunks: I have this sword though.
Vegeta: So this is after movie 13 then. It's movie 14.
This is probably movie 14.
Gohan: I'm not Mystic, though.
Vegeta: Yes you are!
Gohan: I don't think so...
Vegeta: Just trust me! This is the only way it works!
Cell: (walks in) I, Cell, will defeat you all!
All: ...
Pan: (walks in, and grabs Gohan's arm) Daddy, play with
me.
All: (break out in argument again)
A few hours later
Piccolo: Okay, let's have a vote. Who thinks the Dragon
Balls are around? I vote no.
Vegeta: Yes.
Gokou: Yes.
Vegeta: I change me vote to no then.
Videl: Yes.
Trunks: No.
Gohan: No.
Goten: Yes.
Krillen: No.
Piccolo: Krillen, you're dead.
Krillen: I talked before and you didn't complain!
Bulma: Okay, this is stupid. Let's just forget about this
and get the Namek balls.
Trunks: Hey, good idea!
Piccolo: Sounds fine to me.
Vegeta: Geez, why did we waste so much time?
Meanwhile, on planet Namek.
Nail: Say, Guru.
Guru: Yes, what is it, my disciple?
Nail: I was just wondering what these seven ball things which
are always laying around were. They seem to be important.
Guru: Oh, those? Those are the Dragon Balls. They
grant three wishes.
Nail: WHAT?!! We have a thing right here that grants wishes?
Guru: Uh, yeah.
Nail: Why the hell don't we use them? We could like wish
for world peace! Or to eliminate poverty and disease! Or something
else really good!
Guru: Well, they can only be used once per year.
Nail: They can be used once per year?! I've been guarding
them for like ten years! We could have had 30 wishes!
Guru: The Dragon Balls cannot be used for just anything, my child.
They must only be used in certain situations. Such as the sudden
appearance of a strange alien who has some mildly pressing use for them.
Gokou: (appears) Hi, Guru!
Dende: Wow, a real live alien!
Guru: Um, hello. Son Gokou, right? I seem to know
who you are, even though I'm pretty sure we haven't met yet.
Gokou: Yeah, there's a lot of that weird shit happening today.
Anyway, we need to use your Dragon Balls.
Guru: Yeah, go right ahead. What do you need them for?
Gokou: (holds up the mind control helmet) I need to wish
this onto some guy's head. We're having trouble getting him to put
it on.
Guru: Okay, cool.
Some time later.
Porunga: Okay, your wish has been granted. (the mind control
helmet disappears from Gokou's hand) It's on his head now.
Gokou: Okay, I don't need any more wishes. Bye. (teleports
away)
Porunga: What? Only one wish? Um... I don't think
I can do that... I... uh... this has never happened before. Hey,
come back! I have no idea how to deal with this. Hey, I can't
disappear until I get three wishes! Don't just leave me here!
Nail: Porunga, may I make the final two wishes?
Porunga: Okay, sure. Whatever. I just want to go.
Guru: Nail, no! You may not make any wishes, Nail!
No one may make wishes!
Porunga: Guru, come on! Please, someone! Just wish
for a couple more things so I can leave! Hey, you! All you
Nameks in this village! Just speak up! Anyone can make a wish!
I just want to go!
Guru: I hereby announce that anyone in this village who makes
a wish shall be put to death immediately.
Porunga: No, please! Don't make me stand here forever!
Guru: You will stand here until we have need of the final two
wishes.
Porunga: How long will that be?
Guru: Oh, years, I'm sure.
Porunga: (starting to cry) Please don't make me stay here.
Dende: Big baby.
Back on Earth.
Gokou: Well, the helmet should be on his head now.
Bulma: Good. Glad that's over. So how was Namek?
Gokou: Same as usual. I even met our old friends Guru and
Nail and... (turns to face Dende) hey!
Dende: What?
Gokou: I met Dende on Namek!
Dende: So?
All: ...
Dende: So what?
All: ...
Dende: Oh, fine. You got me. (rips off a mask to reveal...
Kami)
All: ...
Dende Kami: Fooled you!
All: ...
Gokou: Whatever. Hey, where did Dr. Hecos go?
Bulma: Oh, he's outside there with Brolly and some sort of a remote
control.
Gokou: Oh.
Bulma & Gokou: (pause for a moment, then do a double take)
Brolly and a remote control?!
All: (run outside)
Dr. Hecos: Oh, so nice of you to help me like this. I could
never have done it without you. And now that I have control of Brolly,
I will destroy you all! Uwaa haa haa!
Gokou: You fiend!
Piccolo: In hindsight, we probably just should have wished Brolly
dead or something.
Dr. Hecos: Brolly, kill the Z Fighters!
Brolly: Kill Kakarot and others! (flies towards them)
Bulma: If he responds to verbal commands, what does the remote
control do?
Dr. Hecos: Hmm. (looks down at the remote control in his
hand) Actually, nothing. (throws it away)
Gokou: I won't let you win! I'll stop you, Brolly!
(engages Brolly in battle)
Brolly: Kill Kakarot! (punch, punch, kick)
Gokou: I am the force for good! I fight for love and sunshine
and cute little puppies and kitties with big eyes! (kick, punch)
Brolly: Kill Kakarot! (punch, kick, punch)
Gokou: I will never let evil hurt the ones I love! Because
I know no limits! I never give up! I will do whatever it takes
to stop you! (kick, punch, kick)
Brolly: KILL KAKAROT! (punches Gokou hard, sending him flying)
Gokou: Ack! (coughs up blood) Oh no, looks like he's
way too strong! At this rate he'll win easily.
Gohan: Yeah, but dad, you have like some secret attack you're
going to use when you're almost beaten to allow you to grab victory from
the jaws of defeat, right? Or you're going to look deep inside yourself
and find a new source of power, right?
Gokou: ...
Gohan: Well? Dad?
Gokou: Actually, no. Not this time. Sorry. We're
pretty much screwed.
Shortly after, Brolly killed Gokou and all the others. Then,
using him as a living weapon, Dr. Hecos was able to conquer the world and
rule it with an iron fist for the rest of his days.
THE END |