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Episode 13
"Holy shit, a new episode?!"

*yawn* Huh?  Wha?  No way, it's a new episode?  Are you joking?  No, really?  Shit, uh... hello... uh... yeah.  On the last episode of DBZ Rewrite... Jesus... I don't remember.  It's been like three months.  Um, I think... uh... it was about space monsters or something.  Let's see... where were they?  Did they get to Namek?  Yeah, okay.  We'll just say they're on Namek now.

Krillen:  Well, we're on Namek.

Bulma & Gohan:  Yes.

Green Guy #1:  Hello, there!

Green Guy #2:  Welcome to Planet Namek, your number one stop for Dragon Balls.

Bulma:  Ah, hello.  You must be--

Green Guy #2:  Get it?

Bulma:  What?

Green Guy #2:  I said it's your number one stop for Dragon Balls.  Like it was a store.  Even though it's a planet.

Bulma:  Yeah.  Funny.

Green Guy #1:  Anyway, let us introduce ourselves.  My name is Mr.E, and this is my associate SkullMac.

Krillen:  What kind of stupid names are those?

Gohan:  Krillen, that's rude.

SkullMac:  No, it's okay.  Our father was horribly drunk when he named us.

Mr.E:  Anyway, come on and we'll help you get the Dragon Balls.

Bulma:  Well this is sure going smoothly.

Mr.E:  The first one is over there.  It's down this path, atop the Tower of Peril.  We'll help you get it.

Bulma:  Don't you guys even want to know who we are or our names or anything?

SkullMac:  No.

Mr.E:  Come on.

Krillen:  They seem nice.

Meanwhile, in the next dimension...

A restaurant sits in a bustling part of town.  On it is a sign that once read "Mr Popo's Place," which was crossed out to read "Yamucha's Place," which was crossed out to read "Raditz and Nappa's Place."

Inside...

Raditz:  So Vegeta's going to wish for what?

Nappa:  I think Sailor Moon action figures or something.

Raditz:  Heh.  Idiot.

Nappa:  I know.

Raditz:  I would wish for a real Sailor Moon.

Nappa:  Ha!

Raditz:  I wasn't joking.

Nappa:  Ha ha ha!  Good one, Raditz.

Raditz:  I-- (sulking) yeah.  It was a joke.  (looking wistfully out the window)  Who would want a real Sailor Moon?  Heh heh. (sighs)

Nappa:  I can't believe we even got into heaven.

Raditz:  Well, they've probably had to lower the standards a lot.  What with the moral decay of society and everything.

Nappa:  So, uh, Raditz.  I know we've been through this before, but we could use more customers here and--

Raditz:  Don't start this again.

Nappa:  But I think it would encourage people to come in if we unlock the door.

Raditz:  They might steal our tables or something!

Nappa:  It's heaven!  There are more than enough tables to go around!

Raditz:  But I like these ones.  I bet other people would be jealous of them.

Nappa:  Am I the only Saiyan who isn't psychotic in some way?

Raditz:  Yes.

Nappa:  ...

Raditz:  Okay, fine, we'll unlock the door.  But if anyone takes our tables, it's on your conscience.

Nappa:  (unlocks the door)  And now, we play the waiting game.  (sits down in a chair, and folds his arms)

Raditz:  I think we should play the kidnap people and force them to eat here game.

Nappa:  Why did I go into business with you?

Back on Planet Namek...

Gohan:  So are you two guys the only two Nameks on this whole planet?

SkullMac:  Apparently.

Gohan:  What?

Mr.E:  You haven't met any others yet, have you?  It appears we're the only ones.

Gohan:  Uh... have you met any others?

Mr.E:  That's not important.

Gohan:  What do you guys do all day?

SkullMac:  We help you find the Dragon Balls.

Gohan:  But before we came here, what did you do?

Mr.E:  What happened before you arrived is not important.

Gohan:  Are you insane?  You're almost acting like this entire world was created just for us.  Or something.

Bulma:  Gohan, stop being so rude.  They're just being hospitable.

Krillen:  Yeah.  Whenever people visit me, I always pretend the entire purpose of my existence is them.  It's only polite.

Gohan:  It's true, you really do that.  But most people don't.  It's kind of creepy when you do.

Krillen:  What do you mean?

Gohan:  Why do you think the Ox King left so quickly when he visited us that one time?  You were trying to convince him you only bought the house and all the furniture in it so he could sit down, and for no other reason.  You were really scaring him.

Bulma:  WHAT?!  Krillen, you said you bought it for me!

Krillen:  Gohan!  You've just committed a major social faux pas!

SkullMac:  Excuse me, but we're here at the Tower of Peril.

Krillen:  Wow!  That tower looks really perilous!

Mr.E:  It's not really that perilous.

Krillen:  Oh.

Mr.E:  You should go and fly to the top and get the Dragon Ball.

Krillen:  Will do.  (flying up)

Gohan:  I'm coming too.  (also flying up)

Krillen:  Gohan, you can fly now?!

Gohan:  Yeah.  Remember?  I discovered my powers when I pulled off the punch attack against the space monster last episode.

Krillen:  You learned how to punch!  Not fly!

Gohan:  Flying isn't really that much harder than punching.  It's pretty easy to figure it out.

Krillen:  Yeah, I guess you're right.

Krillen & Gohan:  (they fly in a window at the top of the tower.  There, they see the Dragon Ball... being used as an earring by a sleeping giant.)

Krillen:  That giant wears earrings?  That's so gay.

Gohan:  Gee Krillen.  It looks like the giant owns this Dragon Ball.  Don't you think it would be wrong to just take it?

Krillen:  No, the giant's evil.

Gohan:  How do you know?  It's just sleeping there!

Krillen:  Look at it.  It's so big.  How could it not be evil?

Gohan:  ...

Krillen:  All larger than average things are evil.  Look at nature.  Sticks are good, because you can use them to poke people with.  But trees, which are like big sticks, are evil.  They have antagonized humankind since the beginning of time!  They spread all over the world, and just take over.  They even get into our cities sometimes!  And then we trip over their roots, and we have to clean up their leaves!  Trees are evil, and that's why they must be destroyed.  So, too, is this giant evil.

Gohan:  I see your point about trees, but I don't see how that makes the giant evil.

Krillen:  Someday you'll see, young Gohan.  Now let's kill it.

Back on the foot of the tower.

Bulma:  What's taking them so long?  Oh, there they are!  And they have the Dragon Ball!

Krillen & Gohan:  (covered in blood, and holding the Dragon Ball triumphantly, they land on the ground)

Krillen:  Another blow has been struck against big things!  (punctuates his statement by blowing up a nearby tree with a ki blast)  Eat it, big things!

Bulma:  So you got the Ball!

Krillen:  Yeah, but we had to fight a giant.  I can't believe that stupid thing tried to trick us like that!  It was all "Please, you can take anything!  Please don't hurt me!"  Feh.  Nice try, giant.  We could see how big you were.

Bulma:  Wow Krillen, you actually did something right for once!

Krillen:  I won't let it go to my head.

Gohan:  (looking disturbed)

Mr.E:  Well, the next ball can be found at the Tower of Danger!

Bulma:  How do we get there?

Mr.E:  We have to walk back along this path, and then after a while turn around and start walking back this way, and we'll come to the tower.

Bulma:  Great!  Let's go!

Gohan:  Tower of Danger?  How do you guys even know where they are anyway?  Bulma is the one with the dragon radar!

Bulma:  Gohan!  Stop being rude!

Gohan:  (sighs)

At "Raditz and Nappa's Place."

Nappa:  Okay, here is the new plan.

Raditz:  Okay.

Nappa:  I'll stay out here, and serve the customers.

Raditz:  And I'll cook the food?

Nappa:  No.  You stand in there.

Raditz:  In the closet?

Nappa:  Yes.  Stand in the closet.

Raditz:  And jump out and scare people?

Nappa:  No, don't jump out.  Just stand in there.

Raditz:  And make noise?

Nappa:  No.  Just stand in the closet, perfectly still.  Don't make any noise, and don't move.  Don't do anything.  I'll take care of the rest.

Raditz:  Why?

Nappa:  You're my... backup.

Raditz:  So, like, if all the stress of the restaurant gets to you, and you pass out, I come and take charge?

Nappa:  No.  You don't come out under any circumstances.  You stay in the closet, no matter what.

Raditz:  Sounds like a good plan.

Nappa:  I think so too.

Raditz:  Hey, look!  (points to someone walking by, outside the restaurant)  A potential customer!  I'll get him to come in!  (runs outside)

Nappa:  (runs after him)  Do you have A.D.D. or something?

Raditz:  Yes.  Remember?  (to the man)  Excuse me sir, please come and eat at Raditz and Nappa's place!  Our food is just heavenlyBecause we're in heaven!

Nappa:  (shaking his head sadly)  You promised me you wouldn't use that slogan.

Man:  I've already eaten, thank you.  (continues walking)

Raditz:  (leaps in front of him)  But it's really good!  And we have a free service we provide to our customers with each meal.  Eat at our restaurant, and I'll kill anyone for you!  Anyone!

Man:  (looking horrified)  What?!

Raditz:  I have a power level of several thousand.  I'm capable of destroying planets.  Come on, there has to be someone you want killed.

Man:  Oh... my... god...

Raditz:  Which one?  If it's one of the weak ones, I can do that.

Man:  ...

Raditz:  Whatever, we'll work it out later.  (pushes the man into the restaurant.)  Please be seated.

Nappa:  (looking on helplessly)  I'm really very sorry about this.

Man:  I don't want you to kill anyone!  I want to leave!

Raditz:  What's that?  You say you want me to kill you?

Man:  No!  I want to leave!

Raditz:  Gee, it sounds like you're saying you want me to kill you.  You'd better eat here and cut out the attitude, or I may get a little confused.

Man:  (gulp)  I... all right.  I'll do whatever you want.  Just don't hurt me.

Raditz:  Your hot dog will be done in a moment sir.

Man:  I didn't order yet.  I didn't say I want a hot dog.

Raditz:  Well that's all I know how to make.  And anyway, everyone likes hot dogs!  I've only met one person ever who didn't like hot dogs, and he ended up being a robot.  You're not a robot, are you?  That would make me angry.

Man:  .........................a hot dog will be fine.

Raditz:  That's what I thought.  Oh, and one more thing.  (whispering in the man's ear)  If you take any of my tables, I'll peel off your skin and throw you in a vat of salt.  (runs off the kitchen)

Nappa:  I'm very, very sorry about this.

Back on Planet Namek...

Krillen:  All right!  We've claimed yet another Dragon Ball!

SkullMac:  Come on.  Let's go get the next one now.

Gohan:  And where will this one be.  The Tower of Not-Safe?

SkullMac:  Actually, yes.  How did you know?

Gohan:  So far we've gotten them from the Tower of Peril, the Tower of Danger, the Tower of Hazard, and the Tower of Risk.  Each tower has been completely identical, and we've reached them by walking back and forth along one path.

Mr.E:  And your point is?

SkullMac:  Come on.  Let's go get the next ball!  You're almost done!

Walking along the path...

Gohan:  (whispering to Bulma and Krillen)  Hey guys, I don't think this is right.  Everything isn't as it seems.

Bulma:  Whatever do you mean, Gohan?

Gohan:  I think we're actually trapped inside some illusionary world, which we only think is Planet Namek!  But it's not the real one.  It's kind of like The Matrix.

Krillen:  Oh, Gohan.  You have such an overactive imagination.  Remember before when you thought we were space monsters?

Gohan:  Yeah, and you really were.

Krillen:  Oh yeah...

Gohan:  And what happened with that anyway?  We crashed onto some planet, and then all of a sudden we were on Namek.  Don't you find that weird?

Bulma:  I thought that was just because the narrator forgot where we were in the plot.

Gohan:  But what if that was part of the illusion!

Krillen:  But Gohan, this can't be like The Matrix.  If it was, we would be able to have super human powers and stuff.  And look!  We're just normal people!  (he takes a jump forward... and lands a good 20 feet away!)  Oh my god!  It is The Matrix!

SkullMac:  No!  We've been found out!

Mr.E:  It looks like it's time to reveal your true location!

Suddenly, everything changes.  The path becomes a different path.  The tower becomes a different tower.  The two aliens who look like Piccolo become two aliens who don't look like Piccolo.

Krillen:  You fiends!  You trapped us all in that convincing illusion!

Mr.E:  It was all done with mirrors.

Bulma:  For the love of god, how many space monsters must we meet?

Mr.E:  And you would have been trapped in it forever, if it wasn't for the insight Gohan gained from that action movie.

Krillen:  The Matrix wasn't just an action movie.  It was a philosophical allegory on self deception and the nature of reality and perception.  Hey, why are you all looking at me like I'm an idiot?

Bulma:  What I don't understand, is why?  What did you have to gain from holding us prisoner in this false Namek?

SkullMac:  We just thought it would be a really good prank.

Mr.E:  You see?  You thought you were on Namek, but you really weren't!  Isn't it funny?

Gohan:  Yeah, real funny space monster.  Now tell us where our ship is, or you're done like dinner.

SkullMac:  Eep.  Okay, just walk along this path, and then after a while turn around and walk the other way.  You'll eventually reach the Tower of Despair.  That's where your ship is.

Bulma:  Okay, guys.  Let's go.  I'll be glad to get off this god forsaken place and get to the real Namek.

Heaven...

Raditz:  Here is your hot dog sir.

Man:  Uh... thank you.

Raditz:  Is there anything else you would like?

Man:  Could I please have some ketchup or something on it?  Or at least a bun?

Raditz:  What?  You don't like my hot dog?

Man:  No, no!  That's not what I said!

Raditz:  You are a robot, aren't you!?

Man:  No!  I'm not a robot!

Raditz:  I hate robots! (ki blasts the man)

Nappa:  (sighs)  Look Raditz, blood.  He wasn't a robot.  And now you've just killed our only customer before he could pay.

Raditz:  That's okay.  His wallet didn't get disintegrated.  What?!  He only had six bucks?!

Nappa:  Raditz, that's it.  I worked with you and Vegeta all throughout life, and there's no way I'm gonna keep working with you in death!  You're completely nuts, and you're an incompetent moron!  I'm starting my own restaurant!

Raditz:  ...I'm sorry.  (his eyes are tearing up)  I don't blame you.

Nappa:  Oh, now you're gonna cry.  Well if you think you'll get me back like that, you're wrong.

Raditz:  No, you're right.  I always mess everything up.  I'm such an idiot.  (sobbing)  I hate myself.  You deserve better than me.  I don't blame you for leaving.  I'm the most worthless being in the universe.

Nappa:  I-- (softening)  Damn it Raditz, you're not worthless.

Raditz:  Yes I am.

Nappa:  No you aren't.  Calm down.  It's okay.  I'm sorry, I was too harsh.  I'm not leaving.

Raditz:  You're not?

Nappa:  Nope.  How could I leave the best friend I've ever had?

Raditz:  Oh, Nappa!

Nappa:  We're sticking together.  And I know we can make it in this crazy mixed up dimension!

Raditz:  Come 'ere you!

"Namek"

Gohan:  Guys, I think we're still in the illusion.

Bulma:  What makes you say that, Gohan?

Gohan:  For one thing, this isn't what our ship looks like.  In fact, this looks exactly like that tower.

Krillen:  Don't be silly, they already said the illusion was over.  It has to really be over now.  Now be careful not to fall out the window, because I'm going to press this brick labeled "make space ship take off."

Bulma:  Hey, nothing is happening.

Krillen:  Oh no, the space ship isn't working.

Mr.E:  (he and SkullMac walk in)  Oh well, I guess your ship is broken.

SkullMac:  I guess you'll have to stay here then... for the rest of your lives!

Gohan:  (suddenly awakens with a start, finding himself in bed)  AAAAH!  Huh?  Wha?  Where am I?

Gokou:  (walks in)  Gohan, are you okay?

Chi-Chi:  Good morning honey.  Did you have a nightmare?

Gohan:  Um... yeah, I guess.  (he looks around himself, to see he is in his room at home)  Wow, was it all just a dream?

Chi-Chi:  Sometimes dreams can seem very real, and sometimes they can scare you, but nothing in dreams can really hurt you, so there's no need to be scared.

Gokou:  That's right, son.

Gohan:  Oh, but it was horrible!  It was like real life, but everything was all zany!  You and mom were there, but you had hilariously distorted personalities!  And all these zany, zany surrealistic things happened!  It was just awful!

Gokou:  Well, there's no need to worry about that.  You're safe now.

Chi-Chi:  Gohan, this is the day you and your dad are going to visit all his old friends.

Gohan:  That's just how my dream began!

Chi-Chi:  But I'm sure nothing zany will happen this time.

Gohan:  Yeah, I'm sure you're right.

Suddenly, Krillen and Chouzu smash through a wall, wrestling and clawing at each other.

Chouzu:  I am the one true alpha midget!

Krillen:  Die and burn in hell, you pale freak!

Gohan:  (suddenly awakens with a start, finding himself in bed)  AAAAH!  Huh?  Wha?  Where am I?

Bulma:  Gohan, it's okay.  You were just having a nightmare.

Krillen:  You should really lay off the comics before going to bed.

Gohan:  Now where am I?

Krillen:  We're on Namek.  We arrived here yesterday.

Gohan:  Oh yeah... so this whole episode was a dream?

Bulma:  Apparently.

Gohan:  Was the part about Nappa and Raditz also a dream?

Bulma:  (shrugs)  I dunno.

Gohan:  And how did we get off that other planet we crashed into and get to Namek?

Bulma:  It's not really clear, is it?

End Episode Thirteen

On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, the filler episodes finally end and we move forward in the plot.  The battle for the Namek Dragon Balls starts!  The real ones this time.  Who will be the first to collect them all?  What will they wish for?  You will not find the answer to these questions in the next episode.  Or even the one after that.  But some Nameks will get killed, which is always fun.

 
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